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Jax makes a shocking decision about Brittany Zzzzzzzz oh, sorry. I temporarily dozed off during this episode ofVanderpump Rules. Id rather have watched Insta videos of Lala, Sandoval, and James at Coachella this weekend. Credit: Bravo Things were super snoozy…until the last three minutes (more on that in a bit). Were back at SUR and Jax is in the throes of his middle-finger breakdown bonanza. He storms off and strikes the payphone, which still looks like it would reaaaaally hurt....

The immaturity is real. Real bad, that is. Lets take it from the top. Credit: Bravo The episode begins with the ladies planning their respective parties. The fact that hes been so tied up with the other Tom certainly hasnt helped. The conversations Ariana has with both her shrink and her special someone are revelatory, raw, and productive. Good timing on that therapy sesh, Ariana! Meanwhile, we also have Stassis party....

Jax and Brittany continue to fight and Scheana might be hard of hearing Do theVanderpump Rulescast have neighbors? We pick right back up at the housewarming party from hell. Lala and Ariana play Brittany the audio that Faith recorded post-sex-in-front-of-her-senior-citizen. Credit: Bravo First of all, why is Faith recording this? Is she maybe in a coma and therefore couldnt hear? Like can we get a check-up on this person? This sends Brittany off on a profanity-spewed tirade....

Jax gets caught in another bad situation and is a horrible portrait artist Destinys Child actually had it wrong. That is basically the lesson learned from tonights (and every) episode ofRules. So we pick back up with Katie learning about Schwartzs blackout indiscretion in Santa Monica. Credit: Bravo Schwartz, though, doesnt really have any answers because he cant remember anything. Soooo were kind of at a stalemate. On the plus side, Jax bought a cooler that is also a motorized scooter....

We open back in Mexico for Jaxs Super-Fun-Just-Kidding-Not-Fun-At-All-Birthday-Extravaganza! Schwartz is having trouble putting pizza in his mouth. James is opening beer bottles with his teeth. Credit: BRAVO TV Its like a cuter version ofLeaving Las Vegas. As usual, the ladies all want to get naked and go skinny-dipping. Kristen bites it, Luann-style, as she runs for the beach. Katie asks if we all touch nipples, do we cast a spell?...

Rumors swirl that James and Kristen hooked up…and Sandoval wears several ludicrous outfits. Stassi is feeling refreshed since she took a sleeping pill right when she got home. Then, DRAMATIC PAUSE and we cut to 12 hours earlier. Credit: BRAVO I love when this show plays with time. So, as you would expect, 12 hours earlier the gang was still drinking heavily. Theyre still at the club where Jax confronted Scheana....

The big twist about Jax is revealed…and it’s not surprising at all. Somehow the Golden Globes and HFPA missed rewardingVanderpump Rulesthis morning. Sooooooo we open back at Scheanas b-day party, a.k.a. Credit: Bravo The Party Where We Found Out Jax Hooked Up in Front of a Sleeping Senior Citizen. Brittany is still a mess and crying and whatnot. Kristen is still threatening to like destroy Jaxs balls. Her confessional interviews have a very repetitive theme this year....

The Toms head to Vegas with their friends and Jax might be a new dad! TonightsVanderpump Rulesis a tribute to both Vegas and Freudian slips. So she brings Surs other singer Scheana with her to record some songs. Credit: BRAVO Lala has hired a team of like six people to help her record. Its unclear if she has any discernible talent. It mostly just feels like she coos into a microphone....

Well, this is always a sad time of year the end of another season ofVanderpump Rules. What makes this year even sadder? The finale was a great big snooze. Credit: Nicole Weingart/Bravo Its still a construction zone. So the site itself is still really bare bones. But for the party, the Toms wheel in some coolers like theyre throwing a backyard BBQ. Everyone slowly starts showing up to the construction site....

Where is SUR’s HR department? Guys, did you know Rob is super cute and super rich and really really loves Scheana? Oh but he doesnt like to say the words love or kiss her. Credit: Bravo Oh and also she is no longer dating Rob IRL. Were back at Big Bear at Robs cabin, which he paid $375,000 for. We know this because he announces it while captaining his boat…which Im guessing he also owns....

Weve had the return of one of my favoriteVanderpump Rulessupporting characters the back alley at Sur. James takes his brother, Harry, back there and congratulates him on getting a busboy job at Sur. This restaurant sure has lax hiring policies he didnt even bring a resume with him! Credit: Bravo So were back in Solvang with the ladies and still drinking wine. Its not a good sign of things to come....

If you ever felt likeVanderpump Ruleswas too sunny and cheery then boy do I have an episode for you! Why am I not surprised by this? Shes a little overwhelmed by how much work it all is. VANDERPUMP RULES — Pictured: (l-r) — (Photo by: Isabella Vosmikova/Bravo).Isabella Vosmikova/Bravo Um, gurl, then why did you take it away from James? Like, let him have his night and just avoid the place....

Billie Lee and Katie declare war on each other while Lala and Scheana try “acting.” What are your favorite holidays? The latter is the brainchild of Stassi Schroederyes Stassi has created her own national holiday. Credit: Bravo OOTD stands for Outfit of the Day and has been made a legit thing by Stassi. She like sent in some forms and registered a website or something. Like a well-mannered new hostess, Billie bee-lines over to the gals and says shes shocked that theyre there....