We open back in Mexico for Jaxs Super-Fun-Just-Kidding-Not-Fun-At-All-Birthday-Extravaganza!
Schwartz is having trouble putting pizza in his mouth.
James is opening beer bottles with his teeth.
Credit: BRAVO TV
Its like a cuter version ofLeaving Las Vegas.
As usual, the ladies all want to get naked and go skinny-dipping.
Kristen bites it, Luann-style, as she runs for the beach.
Katie asks if we all touch nipples, do we cast a spell?
Im pretty sure thats not going to be the plot ofPractical Magic 2but thats an interesting question.
Later, Stassi comes to Katie and Schwartzs room because Kristen is being a drunken beast.
Vacations are the equivalent of gettin it on in a slasher movie.
So apparently this is Kristens routine: She goes to foreign countries and like wilds out.
But the more disturbing bedroom situation is over in Scheana and Lalas room.
Weve all heard Lala talk about her anxiety.
She gets her bottle and some warm milk and honey and turns on the tube to calm down.
Its certainly a unique choice.
I tend to favor a bottle of sauvy blanc.
The next morning the whole gang heads to a local water park.
Its like having a member of ISIS in your hotel room, says Stassi of being roomies with Kristen.
In Adams defense, that is like the least sleazy thing to have happened on this show.
The gang all head to dinner and go to local favorite…SUR.
Its unclear whether or not this is connected to Lisa Vs restaurant.
Sandoval calls her from the table.
I wonder if Lisa had just had a few too many glasses of rose.
Schwartz is super jealous, though, that Sandoval has Lisas phone number.
Jax invites James over to play the drums at his apartment, which just feels weird.
And then they discuss getting matching tattoos, which feels even weirder.
Scheana tells the same stories about Rob installing stuff that she has told previously.
She loves that hes so handsy, which is just code for hanging TVs.
Then, they go and pee.
James admits kids once broke his leg because they were twisting it so much.
And then he gives an emotional confessional about rising from the ashes and explaining why he acts so arrogant.
Then, hilariously, Kristen imparts this wisdom: Be kind.
On the way to a club, the gang runs into a place selling wooden penis flutes.
You know this group gets in a few good toots on those puppies.
Its confusing to be sure.
If only Rob were there to hang something and distract everyone.
