Scheana’s birthday gets interrupted by rumors that Jax had an affair…in front of a senior citizen.
For the holidays, some people want clothes.
Some people want money.
Credit: Bravo
In other words, the sixth season ofVanderpump Rulesis my Christmas gift.
Tonights premiere opens at Scheanas birthday party, which, for no discernible reason, is a masquerade ball.
As often happens, the drama at the party is surrounding Jax and his wandering eye and wang.
Turns out, he may have cheated on girlfriend/roommate/coworker Brittany.
If the past has told us anything, its that rumors about Jax are typically true.
But then in twist, we flash back two days ago!
Yes,Pump Rulesis like a Chris Nolan movie but with more pink things and fried goat cheese balls.
Scheana is now fully over Shay and is dating a guy named Rob who she actually was with pre-Shay.
Or it just could be that she has questionable style.
Scheana is just waiting for her final divorce papers so then I can get remarried after that.
[CUE LOUD THUNDERCLAP]
Scheana BFF Arianas romantic life is also in a good place.
She has a new haircut that boyfriend Tom Sandoval masturbates to repeatedly.
So everything is going great!
While Scheanas romantic life is crushing it, shes once again in a feud with newly married Katie.
Can you believe it?
Some rage texting ensued and now the pair isnt speaking.
Well, theyre sorta talking.
Meanwhile, Tom Sandoval has a sit-down with Ariana and that bob hes crazy about.
Sandoval and Tom Schwartz are working with Lisa and Ken on a new WeHo bar called…Tom Tom.
Yes thats the actual name.
But Sandoval is a little wary of working with Ken and Lisa and brings this up to Ariana.
He has his own ideas for making the bar awesome.
Yep a research trip is the actual term he used.
Stassi update: Everything is pretty much the same except she doesnt have central A/C.
They work out together.
Oh, Logan also might be in love with James.
This will CLEARLY become a plot point later in the season.
Im no dummy, reality TV producers.
Tom later tells Ariana hes worried he may have effed this all up for other Tom.
He tells her this while trying on a ruffled satin shirt.
Thats just an important detail I feel like sharing.
Most disturbingly, this reveal came at theOK!
Magazineparty and there were no cameras there!!!
Magazineparty is a pivotal location forRules.
Im less concerned about Jaxs fidelity and much more about why no one shot atOK!s shindig.
Jax was apparently sucking Faiths toes while this old gal slept.
Then, they proceeded to have sex sans condom.
Oh and Faith has missed her period.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SCHEANA!!!
Jax denies the sorta-menage-a-trois with Faith and the senior citizen.
Would he really hook up with someone in their inner circle?
So, next years spin-off could very easily be Brittany and her puppies in Kentucky.
