Is it me, or does Cassie not look that surprised to see Colton at her door?
I wanted to have another conversation with you, says Colton.
They head outside to the Second-Chance Bench, where the (former?)
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Bachelor makes his case.
I ended things with Tayshia and Hannah, says Colton.NowCassie looks surprised.
Im nottellingyou that I love you I want toshowyou, he says.
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And she LOVES it, I guess?
I mean,one.
Vamos a Espana, rose lovers!
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[spit take] Holy crap,what?!?
The family reacts with embarrassed chuckles.
Turns out, though, Colton was just joshin his purity remains, uh, pure.
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I went from 30 women to zero, and now to one, he explains.
(Next: Cassie meets the parents)
Our Bachelor remains endearingly, tragically optimistic, though.
No pressure, Cassie!
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Also, no pressure, Coltons family!
Oh great, Cassies not even inside yet and already shes crying.
I didnt want to let them down, she says of Coltons family.
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This is probably not what they expected.
I want to be able to tell them things that, like, they will want to hear.
I just dont want to go in there confused and I feel like I am.
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Then why did you even agree to go in there, woman?
You are obviously not that into Colton!
I occasionally slip up and attempt to apply logic to this show and the people in it.
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I want you to be yourself, says Colton.
Theyre going to love you.
No, pressure, everybody!
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The initial meeting is, in a word, tense.
Its been really hard… Its been hard knowing that Im not going to live up to that necessarily right now.
The edit makes it seem as though everyone just sits quietly, staring, as Cassie talks.
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Donna finally breaks the silence.
Hey, could we have a minute?
she asks her son, and they walk away from the table, arm-in-arm.
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The fact that she left sort of scares me for you, says mom.
I just dont want you to get set up for another heartbreak.
Meanwhile, Scott is doing his best to make Cassie feel comfortable.
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Theres something extremely special about you if youre sitting here, he says.
I know that when he loves, he loves all the way.
Cassies all,Right?
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Donna asks Cassie to walk her through the week, starting with her decision to bail.
(Tough but fair, mom!)
Why are we still here, even?
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I love hard and fast, Colton tells his dad.
Shes going to take her time, and Im okay with that.
Great job, buddy you just made your dad cry!
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I know how you are when youre in love, says Scott, wiping tears from his eyes.
And seeing you hurt after that hurt bad.
Like we all know she will.
I cant wait for these next few days, Colton tells Cassie.
Were going to make the most of them for sure.
But once again, I digress.
Get your butts down that cliff, you two!
We need some metaphors about taking a leap without a safety net!
(Im paraphrasing.)
I dated someone in college, she continues.
He had planned out when he was going to propose to me.
Then it got pretty controlling.
After that experience, Cassie tells Colton shes worried about having another stifling relationship.
Live your life, woman!
And then come home to the big ol lug sitting next to you.
And it made me excited about the kind of relationship we could have.
Lets review, rose lovers: Cassie says that shes starting to kind of accept Coltons love.
Not that shes starting to reciprocate it shes starting toaccept it, like its a cancer diagnosis or something.
Cassie, why are you trying to make this relationship happen?
It is never going to happen!
[Insert plug for Chris Harrisonsguest spot onSingle Parentshere.
Im not mad at it, though the show is pretty funny.]
Then again, maybe you just need a night in the Fantasy Suite.
At dinner, Cassie tells Colton that shes starting to feel better about everything.
I feel more confident, she says.
Youve taught me a lot about, like, what a good relationship looks like.
Though shes not all in yet, Cassie says shewantsto be all in which is something, I guess?
Congrats, Colton you now have a girlfriend whowantsto like you!
Either way, he LOVES it.
You knew it was there the whole time?
Cassie gasps after Colton pulls the Fantasy Suite card out from under the woven placemat.
Girl, c’mon.
Anyhow, Colton says he couldnt be more grateful for this second chance to get busy with Cassie off-camera.
(Im paraphrasing.)
Naturally, she says yes.
Its not every day that you feel that kind of love from someone, she says.
No molestar, yall!
She and Colton come back out of the room so the crew can remove their microphones.
Mike Fleiss, give that man a raise.
Oh God, its filler time.
Perhaps we should take the footage of thebirdsand thebeesas some kind of hint?
I feel very good waking up, Colton says.
I feel like a new man.
Awww, rose lovers, our little babysall grown up.
I just wish Cassie wasnt destined to break Coltons heart.
Poor dudes been through the wringer already.
For now, though, he looks pretty happy.
We give it our best shot, Colton replies.
But are they truly on the same page, as our no-longer-a-virgin-Bachelor insists?
Lets head to the Tealight Candle Thunderdome, where the happy couple is ready (maybe?)
to answer all of our questions.
Is it me or is Cassie the only person who actually looks good in white?
Anyhow, Harrison gets right to the point and asks them the status of their relationship.
Were in love, declares Colton.
Were super in love, Cassie echoes, and shealmostsounds convincing.
Things have been completely different since we were in Spain, says Cassie.
So… hooray, I guess?
Of coursetheyre playing Making Love Out of Nothing at All.
Its both romanticandthe perfect burn.
(Next: Meet the new Bachelorette!)
Welp, rose lovers, its announce-the-new-Bachelorette time.
And the winner is…
Is anyone out there surprised?
I mean, there were paparazzi pics of Hannah shooting herBacheloretteintro, so Im guessing no.
For a minute there, it was touch-and-go, during that experience.
In my wildest dreams, yeah.
But hey, lets meet Hannahs first five guys!
Potentially, you could fall in love right here, on this stage tonight, Harrison tells her.
Wouldnt that be somethin!
How do I stand?
Dont worry about it, sweetie.
The first five guys are:
Guy No.
1: Luke
Youre the only one that I wanted to be the next Bachelorette, he tells Hannah.
I seriously cannot wait to get to know you on a deeper level.
TalkingBachelor-ese isnt that hard.
Awww, its silly, but hes cute.
3: Cam
Yes, this white man just rapped.
And as well see in a minute, she LOVES it.
4: Connor
He may be tall, but he looks like hes about 16.
Connor gives Hannah a bedazzled footstool so they can be on the same level in their relationship.
But seriously, is he old enough to be here?
5: Luke S.
An unsavory oral sex joke?
No thank you x 1,000.
I dont know if I loved that, says Harrison, looking nonplussed.
Send this jackass home on night one, Hannah B.!
The Bachelorettepremieres Monday, May 13 on ABC.
