Welcome back, rose lovers, and letThe Bachelor: Doing it Like a Virginbegin!
After a long, pointless live intro, its finally time to meet the ladies.
Cassie, 23:Shes a blonde surfer girl/grad student from Huntington Beach, California.
Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC
(Kidding,he loves it, hell probably love her.)
Hannah B., 23:Our first pageant queen!
She calls herself the conductor of the Hot Mess Express, and she just dropped her crown!
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Did TeamBachelorgrow this one in a lab or something?
Onyeka, 24:Her full name is Onyekachukwu Ehie!
Her adorable Nigerian parents got engaged after just two weeks!
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Look no further for your Bachelorette, Mike Fleiss.
(Memba her?)
Cue the sex guitars, because Coltons shirtless and ready to get sweaty!
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I am the first virgin Bachelor!
Okay, well… Im just going to leave that alone and move on.
High school football saved his confidence, says Colton.
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And Becca taught him what love is until she turned around and devastated him right before Fantasy Suites.
(Next: So!
(Side note: During our interview,Colton told mehe read my like dont pick him!
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God,anotherlive show interruption?
This one offers an update on theBachelorfranchises most successful couples.
Looks like Trista and Ryans kids are working through their issues on TV, as God intended.
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And with that, no more mentions of the live TV segments.
They were painful enough for us to live through the first time, amirite?
(And two proposals?
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Thats just excessive.)
So now, FINALLY, its limo time, rose lovers!
Demis out first, and weve all seen her classy introduction in the promo.
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Heatheris next, and shockingly, Ms. Never Been Kissed does not lead with that info.
I guess thats more of a second 15 seconds of talking to someone conversation to have.
Hes not wrong.)
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Elyse, 31:A redhead!
A redhead over 30!
He wont have trouble picking her out in this crowd.
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Cassiethe speech pathologist brings Colton a box of dead fake!
Darn ABC and those censors!
The internet apparently didnt have a problem withCaitlin, 25, popping Coltons cherry.
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I thought that was an apple, our hapless Bachelor admitted.
Side note: Colton has never had a peach?
Oh lord, here comes the sloth (a.k.a.Alex D., 23).
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Her I heard you take things slow-ly walk to the Bachelor lasts through one commercial break.
Erika, 25:Her last name is McNutt, so she brought Colton a bag of nuts!
Oh buddy, no ones buying it.
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Laura, 26, has the same red dress as Heather, but its cool guys.
It looks so good on you!
See, wecanall get along!
Hannah G., 23:What is a content creator, you ask?
What wedoknow is that Hannah probably watchedBachelor in Paradise, because she knows Colton likes to go commando.
Her empty box gag I got you your favorite brand of underwear!
was silly, but at least it wasnt another virgin joke.
Some of these women are paying attention, and they know me a little bit, says Colton.
), does Jane one better by bringing her pooch Lucy and essentially shoving the dog into Coltons arms.
(Fortunately, Harrison steps up to dog-sit while the Bachelor greets the remaining ladies.)
Im here looking for my Prince Charming, she says, before leaving her shoe at Coltons feet.
Wow, was that 30 women already?
The night is just flying by!
(Perhaps it just feels that way, though, compared to the experience of being there.
Demi the sassy Southern girl grabs Colton first, which somehow manages to shock the other women.
Will they never learn thatsomeonehas to grab the Bachelor first?
I definitely feel like Coltons attracted to me, she reports.
Erika the Nut gets right to the point: Everyone knows youre a virgin.
So I want to know… why?
and she seems satisfied with it.
A front-step smooch wont guarantee her the First Impression Rose, though.
Sydney brought in a string quartet so she could teach Colton to dance in the driveway.
(They kissed, too, but it didnt make the final cut.)
Sadly, she is the pony.
Hey look, the sloth finally took off her mask!
You stayed in character the whole time, Colton says.
I can respect that.
The poor woman even climbed a tree for producers.
(Next: Finally, some tension!)
I know what youre thinking: Why is no one fighting yet?
Dont worry, were getting there.
the lady in red decided she was going to get more time.
Catherine turns around and interrupts Tracy, and shes not taking no for an answer.
Colton, I heard you were drowning in some bitches!
Its definitely rubbing people the wrong way, Onyeka informs her.
I think it almost looks a little desperate.
Oh dayum, she dropped the d-word.
Okay you two, force yourselves to hug!
(who makes a pinky-swear pact with him to be honest at all times).
But the First Impression Rose goes to… Other Hannah!
I guess those breathing exercises really worked for both of them.
Its so enjoyable to be around you, says Colton.
Your energy just lifts me up.
Okay fine, thats sweet.
Dawn is breaking, rose lovers, so its time to send some women home!
Get in there and break some fragile hearts, Colton.
You didnt think theyd let that little pot-stirrer go, did you?
Its hard to get rejected, says Devin tearfully, as the women with roses celebrate behind her.
It is hard, honey, but its generally unavoidable.
Welp, rose lovers, weve made it through week one!
Who are your favorite-slash-least favorite ladies?
What grade would you give Colton so far?
And have you readmy behind-the-scenes piece about the premiereyet??
Post your thoughts below!
(And lets be kind to each other and not post spoilers, mmmk?)
Ill see you here next week whenThe Bachelorwill be back to a slightly saner two-hour runtime.
Until then, take a moment and thank the Reality TV Gods above for Chris Harrison.
The Bachelorairs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
