Now they even have him doing his own camera work!
Oh Lord, Ive heard enough.
Harrison, c’mon get in here with the date card.
Credit: Rick Rowell/ABC
Onyeka is raring to get more competitive with her fellow ladies for Coltons attention.
Chop chop, girls!
Put those pens to paper!
ABC
You ever spoke in front of 200 people before?
Anyhow, his advice for HG is pretend like everybodys in their underwear.
You go, Old Woman River!
ABC
one of the aforementioned thirsty girls) does not take this lightly.
Mic drop, I guess?
It was like, almost a shock to your system, she says.
What happens next, though, nearly does Tracy in for good.
Demidares to touch the date rose, and Tracy literally cant even.
Is there an EMT in the house?
ABC
Tracy is short of breath and slightly sick to [her] stomach!
Can someone c’mon administer 10 ccs of Get A Grip, STAT?
She really shouldnt worry so much Colton seemswaymore into Elyse the Sexy Older Woman than Demi.
ABC
I definitely think I can learn a thing or two [from you].
Case in point:
Rein in the tongue, buddy!
Nobody wants to see that.
ABC
She had, like, a frowny face on, Demi reports.
But haters gonna hate.
Im not worried about it, because theres no advantage to being an older woman here.
ABC
Side note: Tracy, like Elyse, is 31, which inBacheloryears is practically paleolithic.
(Next: Pageant drama!)
Awww, Nicole, dont cry!
There are still a bunch of roses left to go.
Happy birthday, Hannah B.!
You get the first one-on-one date of the season.
ABC
And yes, I had to look up the definition of golden birthday, too.)
She and Colton hop in a vintage jeep oy, those lap seatbelts are a little outdated, huh?
and hit the road.
ABC
(Miss Alabama).
We were roommates at Miss USA, says Caelynn.
We were super close, and then she was not happy that I was first runner-up.
ABC
She was mad she didnt place.
Oooh, heres hoping it flips as shes in the middle-of-nowhere hot tub with Colton!
Though I guess that could electrocute them both and I supposetechnicallythat would be bad for the show.
The Bachelor is, to put it mildly, not very impressed.
I thought that it was going to be this really easy, natural flow, he says.
If we could just make any key in of progress, Ill be happy with that.
Lets check in and see how theyre doing!
Okay Alabama you betta step it up!
Fun fact: She too originally was saving herself for marriage, but then… she didnt.
The guilt killed me, she says.
I dont feel perfect because I cant give [my virginity] to somebody.
Minor exposure of vulnerabilities check!
Other Hannah has done enough, so Colton gives her the date rose.
)), and then these guys drive up:
What the hell is Billy Eichner doing here?
(I wanted a guest spot onThe Goldbergsand I got this, he groans.)
How about you, rose lovers?
), and finally, a tug of war.
The red team emerges victorious.
Could this be the night he finally punches his V-card?
No, of course not.
But he sure as hell is gonna kiss as many women as he can.
Will one of them be Heather?
The Bachelors response is about what youd expect (Really?
Maybe next time, Heather!
If I start thinkin about it, she says, Ill turn into a crazy woman.Think about it!
Think about it!We need some drama, yall!
They share a smooch, but then in a TWIST, Heather gets the date rose!
The Bachelor is rewarding her for being Open and HonestTM, which is all he wants from his ladies.
(Heather and Colton celebrate with a friendly hug, naturally.)
Nerves are on edge as cocktail party No.
), and that shes ready for a family at the ripe old age of 23.
And he LOVES it.
I think Im deaf!
says a stunned Colton.
(Again, why is Colton just sitting silently while all this silliness transpires?
Step up, man!)
All of this drama is stressing Tracy out.
Unlike some of thechildrenin the mansion, Tracy is ready to find a husband, like, now.
I want to show you my Fantasy Closet, she purrs.
Though the other women just roll their eyes (Does she not haveparents?
wonders Caitlin), Tracy locks herself in a bathroom and cries.
The cougar attacks do not get to me at all.
She finds the ancient 31-year-old crying in an upstairs closet.
Tracy tells Demi her behavior was rude and mean.
You just keep doing you.
Hows that sound, Tracy?
Tracys wasting her time up there crying in her room, marvels Demi.
And naturally, TeamBachelormakes Tracy and Demi stand next to each other at the ceremony.
When Demi (inevitably) gets her rose, the older woman does not hide her disgust.
That means we have to say goodbye to Erika, Alex, Angelique, and Annie.
Burning questions: Did Erika shoot herself in the foot by hesitating when Colton asked if she wants kids?
Did the Bachelor send Alex home because she snorts when she laughs?
And is Other Hannah legitimately a crazy person or does she just play one on TV?
Post your thoughts below, rose lovers!
See you next week, when well devote another two hours of our lives to this ridiculousness.
Like Megan Mullally says, itll all betotallyworth it.
The Bachelorairs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
