Harrison arrives at the mansion and tells all the women to put on their glasses.
Just joshin hes there to drop off the date card, of course.
Let the pirate training begin!
Credit: ABC
The pirate training, by the way, looks a lot likeAmerican Gladiators.
Honestly, this sucks, she pouts.
It brings out all of my insecurities and I start to spiral.
ABC
(Am I the only one who started chanting, Spi-ral!
when she said this?)
Hannah B. is determined to fill Colton in on the truth about Caelynn that night at the cocktail party.
ABC
Speaking of which, what happened to poor Katies leg?
I hope Pirates Dinner offers workers compensation.
More to the point, Katie and Colton do seem to have genuine chemistry together.
ABC
So yeah, the whole Bathrobe-gate situation from last week clearly isnt settled.
Demi shoots back, And its been made very clear that youre making attacks on me right now.
Did we miss something, Team Bachelor?
ABC
Also, not very nice?
The nasally whine of Demis voice.
Every time I smell you, Im like, Mmmmmm!
ABC
You know what I mean?
And I can tell that I always make you nervous.
(And him kissing her doesnt mean hes into it the dude kisses everyone.)
ABC
Okay, sighs a clearly irritated Demi, after a pause.
(Next: The pageant drama begins!)
Im going to be who I am, she sneers when Courtney asks her to be more aware.
ABC
After all, she continues, the women are all intimidated by her confidence and how untouchable she is.
Maybe, but Caelynn certainly doesnt look intimidated.
Im so excited for Caelynn and Is relationship, Colton tells us.
ABC
When Colton once again asks for some details Are you saying, like, is she mean?
Hannah B. does not use her words to answer.
Instead, she gives him alook.
ABC
Oh girl, if only you had stopped there.
Dont you know that winners never tattle, and tattlers never win?
But Hannah goes on to say that if Colton likes Caelynn, he cant possibly like her, too.
ABC
The Bachelor does NOT love it.
Lets talk about this later, he mumbles glumly.
Quite frankly I didnt get a lot of clarity on the situation, he says.
ABC
Great job, Other Hannah tears are like Kryptonite to a Bachelor!
Thanks to your meddling, your archnemesis just got the date rose.
The one-on-one date goes to Elyse, and do I need to tell you that it involves a helicopter?
ABC
Answer: One hour!
I watchedBachelorettewith my mom all the time, one little-pigtailed girl tells Colton.
My mom wont let me!
Thats good advice, Colton.
(Can you tell Im a total wuss about rides?)
Of course, Colton also wins Elyse a giant teddy bear, because gender roles.
Of course, Elyse loves it too.
Doesnt she look happy?
(Next: Caitlin feels the burn)
Suns out, guns out its group date time!
Tayshia, Nina, Catherine (memba her?
squeals one of the ladies.
Ofcoursehe is havent you been watching, honey?
We are here to help Colton find his strong woman.
It was kind of embarrassing, admits Nicole.
Good LORD, what is going on over here?
Sydney shes making stretching look likeDirty Dancing, scoffs a jealous Cassie.
Coltons not a stretching virgin anymore, thats for sure.
Hey, a girls gotta be limber to win the Bachelors Strongest Woman contest!
And guess whos back doing color commentary with Chris Harrison?
The legendary Fred Willard!
My God, Caitlin is a beast!
Either that or theBachelorinterns are behind the limo pushing until their neck veins pop out.
(Appropriately enough, someone blows an obnoxious air horn when she wins.)
Cut to the cocktail party.
Nicole cries when talking about one of the strong women in her life, her grandma who fled Cuba.
Colton comforts Nicole by assuring her that shes a mentallystrong woman too.
Physically, the girl is crazy weak.)
(She doesnt even mind it when he uses the term self-admit.)
Oh honey, get in the game!
Yeah, says the Bachelor, after a silence soaked in disappointment.
The conversation wasnt the best, he tells us, as though we are deaf, dumb and blind.
Long story short:
Breaking up with Caitlin, Im struggling with it, says the Bachelor.
Technically, wouldnt you have todatesomeone to break up with them?
Well, why quibble.
There are a bunch of ladies sitting on the roof waiting for someone to get the date rose.
Survey says… Nicole!
Everyone stop what youre doing and listen Colton has an urgent news bulletin.
The pep talk has its intended effect.
Now, Caelynn continues, Hannah kind of spirals when I have the slightest bit of success with Colton.
Man, Colton is not loving this.
Im freaking telling you the truth, Hannah continues.
Girl, if you have to say it, you probably havent earned it.
The Bachelor needs a moment alone, so he walks off with a producer for a clandestine debrief.
I dont know what to believe, he huffs.
Thank the Lord, Harrison is here.
We have reached the moment of truth.
Who will be struck by shrapnel from the Battle of the Beauty Queens?
(of course) join Nicole, Caelynn, Elyse in this weeks winners circle.
Which means its goodbye to Nina (who?
Now go get Lucy from the kennel, and well see you inParadise.
Would it be possible for Terry Crews to appear on every show?
And is it time for Demi to go home yet?
Post your thoughts now!
The Bachelorairs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
