See ya, Singapore and thanks for the leech therapy!
Anyhow, the first one-on-one date goes to… Never Been Kissed Heather!
Colton: Good to see ya!
Credit: ABC
Their date kicks off with an authentic boat tour of everything Thailand has to offer.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel… something is wrong with Kirpas chin.
Is all hope lost?
ABC
(It was quite the fake-out, gotta say.)
Heather declares triumphantly after the smooch.
Literally, there was fireworks!
ABC
(Next: Something ruins it)
Dammit, Colton!
Why did you have to say that?
Now something will definitely ruin it or someone, actually.
ABC
Im very weirded out as to whats going on, says Demi.
Thats very unlike Elyse.
I cant do it.
ABC
All together now, rose lovers:THEN WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ON THIS SHOW, WOMAN?
This isnt working for me, Elyse continues.
I have to leave.
And leave she does, after a long, sad hug with Colton and many, many tears.
Naturally, Elyse regrets her decision almost immediately (How fing stupid am I?
Honestly, why do they make the poor guy film these self-confessionals the minute he rolls out of bed?
ABC
Once again, Hannah B. eats something disgusting, but the jokes on her Colton justpretendedto eat that grub.
At least he appreciates how the ladies are willing to go fullFear Factorfor him.
These women are intense!
ABC
Hannah B. swallowed a bug whole.
As for the Bachelor, he faced his fear of snakes… and then turned tail and ran.
To be fair, the snakewasurinating on him.
ABC
Aintnobodygot time for that.
Joe then divides everyone into teams and sends them off into the wild to collect food and water.
Thats annoying, mumbles Nicole.
ABC
(That reminds me, I need to renew my subscription toDense and Impenetrable Vegetation Weekly.)
Miss Alabama responds by jumping off a cliff emotionally speaking, of course.
And he LOVES it.
ABC
By now we all know the Bachelors M.O.
And by now we all know Nicoles M.O.
when talking about anything: She cries.
ABC
Colton, that couldnt be further from the truth, she says, welling up.
Im here because I havent been able to find love.
And you know what?
ABC
She never said that she needs to get out Miami.
Shes like a humanMichael-Jackson-eating-popcorn GIFright now.
Ultimately, Hannah B. gets the date rose, and the group date ends without further incident.
not a virgin, and shell have to have some tough conversations back home.
Ive got to be honest, I found this a little confusing.
Has Cassie been pretending to be a virgin around her extended family and select members of her community?
If not, why would those people think she was a virgin?
Also, does Cassie live in Gilead?
No surprise here: Cassie gets the date rose.
I dont want to come back to reality, sighs Cassie dreamily.
Dont worry, girl youre still onThe Bachelor.
Yes, that is dental hygienist Kirpa flossing the Bachelors teeth.
(Oh, youve got a little bread or something in there.Gag.)
And no, we STILL dont know what happened to her chin!
(UPDATE: Now we know!
The Bachelor hears Nicole out, heaves a heavy sigh, and then goes to find Onyeka.
Youre someone who always knows how to put a smile on my face, he says.
I did talk to Nicole.
She, uh, brought up some things of you bullying her and belittling her.
Onyeka handles this with all of the maturity and grace weve come to expect from her.
Ladies, ladies, stop!
Why must you tear each other down on this show designed to pit you against each other?
Onyeka leaves her chat with Colton and makes a beeline for Nicole.
You are a liar, Nicole!
You are a liar!
What do you have against me?
Sorry Katie, but it looks like Colton has to go break up a fight between two petty bishes.
Oh, thats an angry walk, says Demi, watching the Bachelor storm off.
Aaaaand our time is up!
Thats right, this is the first To Be Continued episode of the season.
Until then, rose lovers, let me know what you thought of this weeks episode.
Are you surprised Elyse eliminated herself?
Is Cassie the one to beat?
Post your thoughts now!
The Bachelorairs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
