This is my time, my turn, my decisions, my choice, declares Becca.
(Yes, Harrison did really refer to this advice as sage.)
After all, all these ladies are still engaged many (many, many) months later.
Credit: Paul Hebert/ABC
Most Bachelors, meanwhile, pull the plug on their relationships after a few weeks.
With that out of the way, lets meet the guys!
Whats not to love!
ABC
Lincoln, 26:Look, I really wanted to like this guy.
Hes handsome, hes got that sexy Nigerian accent, hes a mamas boy.
Still wanna know?
ABC
Clickhere, and then come right back.
Joe, 31:Holy Mary Mother of God, this guy has an actual, honest-to-goodness job.
He owns a grocery store in Chicago!
ABC
So… unemployed, I guess?
Colton, 26:Fair, blue eyes, thick neck, nice teeth, stupid name.
Used to be a pro football player until an injury cut his career short.
ABC
Now he runs a charity to help kids with cystic fibrosis, like his little cousin Harper.
Okay, now I feel bad about saying he has a stupid name.
(Next: The limos arrive)
Welp, thats it for the A-team.
ABC
Lets head to the mansion, where our host and Bachelor Nation overlord is waiting to greet Becca.
Let the journey and the painfully goofy limo exits begin!
I will catch you inside.
ABC
Oy, one too many football puns, pal.
Jean Blanc:He teaches the Bachelorette how to say lets do the damn thing in French.
And my fears that Jean Blanc would suffocate Becca with his bottled stank were for naught.
ABC
He smelled sooo good, she whispers after he leaves.
Connor, 25:A fitness coach from Florida.
Um, could someone get Connor the rest of his pant leg, hey?
ABC
Joe: Our grocery store clerk couldntproduceone sentence of coherent conversation with Becca.
(See what I did there?)
Jordan:He spent six hours selecting his outfit.
ABC
Alex, 31:A construction manager?
Man, TeamBachelorettereally went above and beyond finding some guys who are familiar with real work, didnt they?
Nick, 27:This attorney from Florida (whats up with all the Florida guys?)
ABC
But again, this guy has a man-bun, so we cant expect him to have good judgment elsewhere.
Laugh if you want, but this might be the smartest stupid limo exit ever.
Also, Garretts tie is on point.
(Next: Remember these guys?)
Blake, 28: This is the guy who showed up atATFRwith a horse, and guess what?
He just showed up at Casa Bachelorette riding… an ox!
(Because, you know, his feelings for the Bachelorette are strong as an ox.)
Its like, where is he getting all these animals from?
But… Lincoln is forever ruined for me, rose lovers.
Its all about the chase, and the chase is what makes the ending that much better!
Darius, 26:A soft-spoken pharmaceutical sales rep. At least he left the banjo at home, though.
With that refresher over, lets move forward with some new meat.
Christon, 31:A polite, extremely good-looking dude with an excellent job description: former Harlem Globetrotter!
That beats former pro football player any day.
Or so she says.
Jason, 29:A banker from Seattle with too much product in his hair.
Kamil, 30:yo meet the much-discussed social media participant!
Wow, this guy is the total package… of garbage.
When I heard you were the Bachelorette, I literally died.
Christian, 28:Dislike!
David, 25:Hes the dude in the chicken suit.
A fair trade-off, I guess?
Plus, its a smart way to acknowledge Beccas faith, without having to commit to being religious himself.
(Next: Becca heads into the henhouse.)
Would you look at that?
All the guys have arrived!
Time to send Becca into the henhouse, to use David the Chickens incorrect term.
Connor with the high hair and no socks is the first to grab the Bachelorette.
Hold up its time for Christon to bust out some sweet Harlem Globetrotter moves!
This man is my everything.
(c’mon,Bachelorettegods, do not let him turn out to be an asshat.
I beg of you.)
And she LOVES it.
Will Blake land the coveted First Impression Rose?
Oh Lord, Lincolns talking to Becca, and he brought her another gift.
The whole night is just so pleasant and drama free…
Sorry, whats that, Chris?
You say Chases ex is your friend, and she says Chase is not here for the Right ReasonsTM?
Well, Chase sees your vague accusations, and raises you one awkward confrontation with the Bachelorette!
She makes some remarks, saying, This a**hole, his intentions arent real.
Hes not going on there for the right reasons.
Chase is all ()/ , and just gives her the Im here for you speech.
(Next: No, Jake.
Jake insists that he only remembers meeting her once yeah, thatll make her feel better!
but our Bachelorette is not letting him bamboozle her.
Ive had a very transformative year.
Im a new Jake.
New, old, recycled, it doesnt matter she wants you to go.
And finally, he leaves… though Im still pretty sure he doesnt understand why.
Bye, buddy see you never!
(Or week 6 ofParadise, whichever comes first.)
When all the drama dies down, its back to business.
Colton, meanwhile, takes his one-on-one time to tell the Bachelorette about his non-profit organization.
But ultimately the FIR goes to Mr. Minivan himself, Garrett.
Its that time, fellas!
Were almost done with our first step in Beccas journey.
On to the rose ceremony room!
And the first rose goes to… Oh, no.
Would you like to see any of these guys onParadise, rose lovers?
I wouldnt mind seeing Joe the Grocer again at the very least.
Post your thoughts below, rose lovers.
Now if youll excuse me, its time to pour some tea.
