No, Hannahs journey was more about her characters narrative arc.
Man, Im exhausted for her!
Shes a Bachelorette like weve never had before!
Credit: John Fleenor/ABC
Shes totally honest, which is somehow different from sincere!
And shes ready to tell it like it is!
To be fair, thatistotally honest.
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Nor does she have any idea how to look natural while strolling dreamily through a wheat field.
Now that shes been dumped on TV, Hannah says shes a changed woman.
She no longer feels the need to be perfect.
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I know who I am to my core, she says.
I want my time as the Bachelorette, my experience here to feel different because I am different.
Lets meet some of Hannahs potential husbands!
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Tyler, 25:This general contractor from Jupiter, Fla., describes himself as outgoing and expressive.
Mike, 31:Holy crap, I cant get over this guys smile.
Is it too early to say I love him?
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Joe, 30:Hey, its another regular Joe from Chicago!
But this Joe can sell you a box.
Im also wondering if his grandma would cook me dinner because that looksreallygood.
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After a while, though, all the meaningless sex left poor Luke feeling empty inside.
Then one day, in the shower…
God was speaking to me, says Luke.
I realized that I wasnt the man that I wanted to be.
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Now this Import/Export Manager is ready to find a sacred love with someone other than Jesus.
Time to get moving, other nameless men!
Let the limo exits begin!
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Up first isGarrett, a 27-year-old golf pro from Birmingham, Ala. And here comesJedthe 25-year-old singer/songwriter (a.k.a.
unemployed dude) from Nashville.
He is not wearing socks, and his shoes are a little too shiny for my taste.
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I cant wait to get to know your heart, he tells Hannah.
Looks likeConnor S.drew the short straw and was tasked with the inevitable jumping the fence intro.
kindly welcome the nights biggest douche canoe: 24-year-oldJohn Paul Jones.
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gets a blink-and-youll-miss-him hello.
A string of boring intros usually means some stupid s is about to happen.
Hannah, this package isnt complete without you!
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oy to the third power).
(Fun fact:Everyones a Bro, Browas the original title ofThe Bachelorette.)
Our relationships about to take off.
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(That paper airplane is looking pretty chintzy about now, huh Chasen?
Also, Chasen is not a name.
Once all the limos have arrived, Hannah pauses for a moment of prayer before entering the mansion.
Lord, in your goodness and your love, make me patient, she whispers to herself.
Give me the words, help me feel worthy, help me feel smart.
At last, its party time.
A pink pocket square, purple tie, and blue jacket!
All hes missing are the yellow moons… but who knows, maybe theyre on his socks.
Luke, buddy, what would Jesus do in this situation?
Answer: Hed tell you to take it down a notch.
The first activity of the evening is what Connor J. calls a Bachelorette party.
Long story short, alls well that ends with a crown.
Man, scoffs Hannah.
Thats right, chump DO BETTER!
Wheres John Belushi when you need him?
Go peddle your poor mans Jason Mraz act elsewhere, buddy.
It seems Hannah invited her TV friends to scope out the guys tonight.
I want to do some further investigating to get to the bottom of it.
One by one, Demi examines and then exonerates the suitors while on the hunt for Girlfriend Guy.
She rules out Matt, The Box King, Peter, and then…
Wait, THAT guy?
Yes, Demi is certain that Scott the software sales exec from Chicago is the culprit.
Survey says: The Bachelorette does NOT love it.
Hannah storms back into the mixer room and lets her displeasure be known.
Hey Scott we need to talk, she snaps.
If that bothers you, Im sorry.
But do I think that this is someone who Im going to marry long term?
No, I dont.
Oh, it bothers her, buddy.
You are such a jerk!
Its time for you to head out.
With that, she marches him to the door and waves him away with disgust.
After all, ladies dont really know what they want, do they?
I am here for you, Luke P. assures Hannah.
I am here to win your heart.
(The first one went to Cam the White Rapper, in yet another inexplicable move by Hannah.)
The third kiss of the night goes to Luke P., who also gets the First Impression Rose.
Chris Harrison and his Butter Knife of Bad has arrived.
Will those be the dudes who get sent home?
Are any of them interesting enough to wind up onParadise?
(LOLOLOL just kidding.)
Speaking of interesting, how about that this season on promo?
Hannah calling a condom a rubber!
Premature declarations of love!
Hannah sobbing in Chris Harrisons arms!
(Fan fiction alert.)
How did Hannah do, rose lovers?
Do you like/like to hate any of the guys in particular?
And is there anything more annoying than ABC Always Be Cam?
Post your thoughts below, and Ill see you back here next week.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
