Welcome back to last weeks cocktail party, rose lovers!
So lets travel back in time, shall we?
His strategy: Going all in on the perfect husband charade.
Credit: ABC
How many kids do you want?
he asks our Bachelorette.
She says three, and he raises her with three to five.
ABC
(She responds as any sane woman would: Holy s, okay!
Hmmm… well talk.)
Ive got a shirt thats cut out for a tie here, you know?
ABC
Its got the angled collar, and Im not wearing a tie with it.
So it kind of shows her, like, this guy, he could go either way right now.
And he LOVES it.
ABC
This night couldnt be better!
I think Becca might have my groin on her mind.
Ill be feeling better in no time!
ABC
Im excited to continue the journey with you.
Naturally, the Bachelorette gives him a pity rose, which David promptly rubs in Jordans face.
What up, Jordan?
ABC
The male model who is now voluntarily referring to himself as Captain Underpants vows to crush his chicken opponent.
Good God, Becca deserves better than these idiots.
Can we just get this rose ceremony over with?
ABC
See ya, Ryan!
As for the rest of you, its time to pack up and head to Park City, Utah!
Their day starts with some fun tourist stuff, meaning shopping for alpaca hats and doing kombucha shots.
ABC
Lincoln believes the earth is flat.
Wow, so this guy is apervert, afloor-pooper, AND a certifiable idiot???
I am shocked shocked!
ABC
that hes still single.
But thats not the real news.
Yep, Garrett is a divorcee!
ABC
And he got divorced after being married for just two months!
And his wife was emotionally abusive!
And Becca is so irritated that producers couldnt just give heroneguy who doesnt have a cartload of emotional baggage!
ABC
So lets get to it, guys!
Awww, good try, Jean Blanc.
At least you smell good.
ABC
The competition consists of ax throwing, log flipping, sawing, log-rolling, and pole climbing.
Yep, he just pulled out a W. Come get your trophy, big guy.
Theres no way Johns going to the end, but he probably just earned himself a spot in Paradise.
ABC
Not cool, TeamBachelorette.
Not cool at all.
The dudes a clown, grumbles Colton.
I want the antics and the bulls to be done.
After that skirmish is over, its Jean Blancs turn to sit down with Becca.
Jean Blanc plants a kiss on the Bachelorette, but shes definitely not feeling it.
Fortunately for Becca, Leo interrupts their chat, and shes able to escape.
Unfortunately for Becca, Jean Blanc returns a little later to deliver his prepared speech in full.
Oh honey, no.
The Bachelorette knows she cant put it off any longer its time to send the colognoisseur home.
Thats when essentially asks for his perfume back (But what about the gift?)
and then says he only dropped the l-bomb because he thought it was whatshewanted to hear.
Its not necessarily where Im at, he says.
I just thought thats where you wanted to take things.
Still, its a bummer to see our sweet, naive Becca looking so upset.
Im so pissed because I only am asking for honesty from you guys!
To not get that, I feel so disrespected…
If anyone else cant be honest with me from here on out, then I dont want you here.
And with that, Becca leaves, leaving the date rose on the table.
Great, Jean Blanc way to ruin the night foreveryone, you jerkface.
(Next: Wills to the rescue!)
The next day, the Bachelorette drags herself out of bed to face a one-on-one date with Wills.
But how can younothave a good time with a guy whose hoodie has his name emblazoned on the front?
They cruise through Thousand Peaks park without crashing or running over any wildlife, so thats a plus.
During a champagne break (no hot cocoa?
Come ON, Bachelor Interns!
Youre just such a stand-up guy, she says.
I feel like my mood completely changed.
), hes pretty adorable and seems sincere.
Becca agrees, so she gives him the date rose and then puts that silly scarf to good use.
At last, rose ceremony day is upon us (again)!
You know what that means…
Screw the cocktail party!
Becca arrives in a glamorous black mermaid gown and stands before the 14 remaining men.
Its not just my story, its our story, she says.
Looking at you guys, I just feel so hopeful.
Though he got a rose, Jordan is reeling from getting the last rose.
Ive never, ever made it last place in anything in my entire life, he says.
Its time to prove everyone wrong.
Theres so much more to me than these guys think, Jordan continues.
Wow, if this guy wasnt such a doofus, Id be amazed at his comedic skills.
And the ludicrous one-liners just keep on coming!
Ah, Jordan further proof that God doesnt give with both hands.
In the meantime, rose lovers, what did you think of tonights episode?
Were you surprised that Jean Blanc turned out to be such a dope?
Do you think Becca can get past Garretts past marriage?
And is Wills the cutest or what?
Post your thoughts below!
Now if youll excuse me, Im going to watch some strangers get engaged onThe Proposal.
The Bacheloretteairs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
