Knock it off, TeamBachelorette.
If I wanted to watch white people rap, Id rent8 Mile.
One of the dudes (is that Garrett?
Credit: ABC
And look whos waiting for them!
Theyre all here to judge the Mr.
Right Pageant, which if the Speedos are any indication will be an exercise in equal-opportunity objectification.
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And I am here for it!
I need to let Hannah know that Im Mr. Yeah you are, buddy!
The pageant begins with, of course, the runway walk, a.k.a.
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the excuse to get all the guys nearly naked.
(Why yes, I am fully in the tank for Mike.
Thank you for asking.)
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The judges seem a bit perplexed by John Paul Jones (arent we all?
), and they definitely approve of Jed, who paired his Speedo with a pair of cowboy boots.
The guy looks amazing.
The talent portion is a bit of a misnomer.
Do I even need to tell you that singer/songwriter Jed performs an original composition?
Of course, the Bachelorette LOVES it.
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How on earth can Luke P. and his 12-pack top such basic charm?
Why, with a totally creepy and premature declaration of kind-of-love, of course!
Hannah, I cant believe Im saying this right now.
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Hannah, Im genuinely… beginning… to fall…in love with you.
Apparently, his talent is…bullshit.
The real victor, though, is poor judgment.
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Congrats again, old pal.
Though Jed is disappointed, hes keeping his eye on the prize.
There is a rose up for grabs, he reminds us.
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And that means more to me than a sash.
ensure that this is for the real reason that this is love forever, not just 15 minutes.
I am… starting… to fall in love with you, Luke replies.
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THAT IS NOT AN ANSWER, SIR.
Hannah doesnt press him on it, though.
I asked for bold, and youre bold!
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The other guys are definitely not ready to let Luke P. off the hook.
Youve had less than two hours with her, says Mike.
In other words, hell do/say anything to win Hannah.
Mike shrugs in disgust, a gesture that likely speaks for all of Bachelor Nation.
At the end of the night, its Jed, not Luke, who takes home the date rose.
Better luck next time, thirsty boy!
The Bachelorette thinks this Tyler is a stud with his dark hair and blue eyes.
He feels like a Tim Tebow but hotter.
I recognize those as English words, but thats about it.
Oh, for the love of all thats holy Cams rapping again.
Someone get the chloroform!
At dinner, the Real Talk about Real Stuff continues.
Youve gotta just reach out to the people you care about, says Tyler, and be genuine.
Tyler G. claims to be pro-helping people and just keeps repeating how lucky he is to be with Hannah.
It should not come as a surprise to anyone reading this that Tyler G. gets a date rose.
Aaaand group date number 2 is upon us!
No, they wont be stacking pallets of paper towels.
Instead…
Todays group humiliation comes courtesy of Los Angeless ownDerby Dolls.
Get ready to get hit!
announces the Doll on the right.
TeamBachelorettetreats us to a montage of wipeouts set to Strauss Blue Danube, which is a nice touch.
Theres your injury, Chris, notes co-color commentator/delightful TV legend Fred Willard.
I hope youre happy.
The evening is plugging along as you would expect when suddenly whats this?
This is a very Cam thing to do, Cam informs us.
(Always be crashin!)
(So, Cams a bad rapperanda pun abuser good to know.)
The rest of the men are not pleased to hear that Vanilla Ice has entered the building.
Thats a stalker boyfriend vibe right there, notes Daron.
(My, he has a deep voice!
Have we heard this guy talk before?)
The guys are a little beside themselves, Tyler C. mumbles.
Were all fighting for time.
I dont really appreciate that, dude, says Garrett.
Cams a piece of s, he tells the other guys.
Chill out, everyone!
Cam didnt get the date rose hes not even eligible this week.
Instead, it goes to Dustin (and his nose ring, which I am just now noticing).
Wow, are we at the final cocktail party already?
And why is Hannah crying before it even begins?
I wanna be real with you, she tells the guys through her tears.
As she talks, her sniffles become more prominent, so Mike asks someone to get her a tissue.
(Devin hands her an old-fashioned handkerchief instead.)
Im so sorry, Hannah continues.
Im just overwhelmed with emotions about how lucky I am.
[sniff] And its also scary.
Awwww, the poor girl is just exhausted.
Could someone get her a Red Bull?
After she pulls it together, the one-on-one chats begin.
Connor J., who didnt get a date this week, moves in first.
I thought about you a lot this week, Hannah tells him, and they smooch.
But just as her chat with Kevin is getting underway, up walks Cam.
Ive actually got something planned for all three of us, he announces.
Uh…
That does not look comfortable if Im being totally honest.
And I have nothing against chicken nuggets, but honey mustard sauce, Cam?
Everyone knows true epicures choose spicy buffalo.
What he was doing was control freakish and weird, he huffs.
Grudging props to Cam he didnt even flinch in the face of those deep-fried flying objects.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, what is going on in the next room?
Youll learn, Im really good with my hands, he tells Hannah.
(I yelled Ewww!
at my screen when he said it, and again just now when I typed it.)
Pretty soon, the quasi-massage situation turns into a full-fledged make-out sesh.
Hes so hot, purrs Hannah.
Its like, can we just skip the main course and go to the dessert?
All together now, rose lovers:Ewwwww.
Jed mutters something about how the awkward encounter is not super appealing and shuffles off, embarrassed.
The Bachelorette is completely mortified.
I dont know what to do.
Theres a lot of dudes in here that are after you, he says.
Alas, we must say goodbye to Connor J., Daron with the deep voice, and…
I dont know, is that Matthew?
Farewell, one of many indistinguishable white guys.
The evening ends with two final douche moves.
First, Cam makes a toast to Hannah Ayala.
(Thats my last name, he explains to the confused Bachelorette.)
Is the Bachelorette buying what Lukes selling?
Im not sure, tbh.
Well, rose lovers, I want to hear how youre feeling now that week 2 is behind us.
Is Luke P. a stalker or just a good Christian boy who believes in love at first sight?
And finally, why was the Bachelorettes nose so red all night?
Post your thoughts now!
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC
