The episode begins with a lot and I mean a LOT of very high hair.
Bedhead, or product abuse?
You be the judge.
ABC
Anyhow, its group date time.
The guy fromAmerican Pie!
Thats right, John Paul Jones.
ABC
Jason Biggs and his wife Jenny Mollen are here to teach the dudes about pregnancy and childbirth.
To simulate the agony of breastfeeding, for example, Hannah clamps clothespins on the guys nipples.
And then the real S&M shiz starts: A labor simulator!
ABC
One by one, the men submit.
Damn, even when Mikes in excruciating pain he looks hot.
Time to get serious, though.
ABC
The pregnancy-themed date brought up a lot of sad memories for Mike.
It was my fault because I wasnt there for her at the time, Mike says sadly.
Its just one thing I can be a better man at.
ABC
Its an intense and moving moment… so naturally, producers send Cam in to interrupt it!
Whenever you guys are wrapped up, he mumbles, Ill just be outside.
I have something really important I need to tell her, he explains weakly.
ABC
I havent had any time.
Of course, Mike gives the guys a full report about Cams douchey actions.
I just got interrupted on three different occasions, he tells them.
ABC
And twice, Hannah as well said you better leave the room.
And thus, this weeks Cam-Mike rivalry (more on that later) is born.
So what was the very important thing Cam had to tell Hannah?
ABC
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, dude.
You think thats what Hannah wants to hear?
If anyones going to value attention over financial stability in her marriage, itll be her.
ABC
Rather than asking Jonathan to back off, Hannah sends Cam off with a limp hug.
(Quick correction, Cam: Nothing youve done so far has been charismatic or romantic.)
But heres some good news: Mike gets the date rose!
ABC
And I may or may not have said, Damn, look at that butt!
out loud to my screen when he did.
The next day, babyfaced Connor S. is supposed to have a one-on-one date with Hannah, but…
ABC
Yes, it seems that earlier that morning our Bachelorette passed out and spent some time in the hospital.
He brings her flowers and soup, and then gives her mouth-to-mouth.
Its my job to care of her right now, he insists.
ABC
I know she wants me over there.
Id say, Its all right, Ill just curl up next to you in bed….
So according to Luke, leave means stay, no means yes.
ABC
Since its such an abbreviated date, Hannah opts not to give Connor a rose before sending him off.
And she LOVES it.
The good news is, Connor gets a delayed date rose.
Our first painful private concert of the season, rose lovers!
This season is growing up so fast.
Twist: The models are beasts literally!
So today were going to see what Hannahs guys do… whenever shes not around.
Money well spent, Universal Pictures!
I need him to slow his roll, she tells us.
He is not guaranteed this.
I have a lot of other relationships that are really great, too.
Put that stalker in his place!
Indeed, thats exactly what the Bachelorette plans to do.
At the cocktail party, Hannah pulls Luke P. aside first to give him a little talking-to.
Its annoying when Luke P. tries to flaunt our connection in front of the guys, she says.
Girl, you dont need to tell us.
I really dont think these guys have what it takes to be your future husband.
Im sorry,youreletting the guys develop connections with Hannah?
So itsyourdecision, not hers?
Feel free to f right off, Luke P. Hannah agrees.
I feel like your confidence in this kind of makes me irritated, in a way.
When Luke tries to cut her off, she shuts him down.
Hold on, let me talk.
To quote Tia,Yes, bitch.
Do I even need to tell you, rose lovers, that Luke P. does not get the message?
I dont feel like Ive been acting that way, he tells us.
I dont see her seeing me like that.
It doesnt make sense to me.
I will talk to youlater, okay?
she says, sending him away.
Much like herpes, though, Luke P. comes back time and again.
It does not go over well.
I dont want to do this right now, she whispers angrily.
I want to call my own shots.
And that, dear rose lovers, is exactly what Luke P. does not want.
Honestly, I cant stand this process, he tells the guys after slinking back to the couch.
But that does not happen.
With Luke P. properly chastened, Hannah gives the date rose to Peter.
Uh-oh, its daylight and Harrison is back at the mansion!
Instead, Hannah has decided to throw a tailgate party for the weeks final shindig.
Get psyched, guys!
Suns out, buns out.
But first, Cam has an important announcement (and it isntCannonball!).
As you could see, the rest of the guys are truly moved by this speech.
Mike, in fact, openly calls BS, and hes not alone.
(Unless, like, Cam said something to that effect and producers cut it out?)
Im really disappointed, she says.
I dont give pity roses.
Did he bring it up in, like, a ditch effort to stay?
Spoiler alert: She cant.
Damn, shots fired!
We interrupt this recap for another shot of Mikes butt.
(UntilParadise, at least.)
We also must bid farewell to Joey and Jonathan, in case you were wondering.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
