Let’s take this challenge underwater
Look, I dont want to embarrass my kids.
So lets talk about potty training, shall we?
Potty training is goofy as hell.
Credit: Robert Voets/CBS
Single tears roll down cheeks in absolute joy.
And you know what?
As parents, we loved it!
We loved the Royal Potty!
Ah, the aqua dump.
Yes, aqua dumps can be scary.
But I have never in my life seen someone as excited as Simone to take part in thisSurvivorritual.
I feel like a superhero!
Well, lets see here; the Brown Trout is already taken.
Simone the Super Soiler?
Whatever, we clearly need to workshop a bit on the name, but well figure it out.
Unfortunately for Simone, the water was not the only thing that was crappy.
Her game stank just as bad.
How are they going to handle it once a huge storm comes through?
How are they going to handle it two more weeks in when they are practically starving?
I dont blame Simone for having a tough time out there.
Its a hell of an adjustment.
(She clearly adjusted and handled them just fine.)
But you dont advertise your difficulty handling the elements; you hide it!
Even the scrawny New Jersey bellhop called her weird…think about that for a second.
(BTW, as a scrawny New Jerseyan, I am total Team Bellhop.)
But dont cry for Simone.
Probably right where she belongs.
Okay, lets recap the rest of this S.O.B from the very top!
As for Alan and Ashley, they both think the intra-alliance tiff did them a favor.
Its cracked and fractured everywhere.
I think Jessica is super cute, Cole informs us.
Shes a cool girl.
I could see myself with her.
How bad could it be?
Is Jessica an evil person who worships at the altar of Sauron?
Does she have a puppy-murdering farm where she kills cute little doggies for giggles?
Does she hold fast and true to her belief that Han, in fact, did NOT shoot first?
Much, much worse.
You see, the ginormous cloud hanging over Jessicas head is that she is gasp!
If this wereSurvivor: Panamashed be two years away from the dreaded Older Woman tribe.
You have to understand, this is a dog years situation.
Being 30 in reality TV is like being 112 in normal society.
Just get the woman a cane and a pair of Depends already!
But where theres a will (and a well-positioned cameraman) theres a way.
And Cole does help.
He informs Joe that the map shows the idol is buried by the well.
I cannot tell you how much I wanted Cole to find this idol.
I wanted it with every fiber of my being.
Not that I give a crap about Cole.
He seems nice enough, but hes done nothing to inform my opinion of him one way or another.
I just wanted to see what Joe would have done had Cole dug it up first.
And what would Cole have done?
Would he have played a game of Finders Keepers, or deferred and given it over to Joe?
Alas, no luck.
He says it sucks being called a power couple with Ashley because theyre not even hooking up.
It seems everyone thinks they are friends with benefits…but without the benefits.
Homeboy wants to get his Blue Cross Blue Shield on!
(Speaking of which, what is the difference between Blue Cross and Blue Shield?
Cant we just settle on one?
It seems unnecessarily repetitive.
Id just be feeling more nasty than thinking about the nasty.
At least I dont think so.
Sometimes you have dig pretty deep down to get at the root meaning of things we say and do.
While were on the subject of analyzing, check out the financial analyst making some moves!
Chrissy was on the outs last week yet did not use that idol to save fellow outsider Katrina.
So now Chrissy has to go from out to in.
Her take on JP?
Truthfully I just dont think hes that smart.
And I thought I was rough on these people.
Ben appears the most stable and the most loyal and the most eager to find a true ride-or-die.
Remember the day 1 love-fest between RC and Abi-Maria?
It also lasted only one day.
But then Patrick screams and throws it down because hes scared of it.
So then why did he pick it up in the first place?
And why did he claim to have a crab in his pants last week?
Or was that a euphemism like JPs lobster?
And why would one use any crustacean with pinchers as a euphemism for anything as that sounds slightly horrifying?
So I dont really get Patrick.
Im a wild banshee!
he announces while also revealing that his strategy is to keep everyone having fun.
Memo to Patrick: Lauren isnothaving fun.
Lauren says Patricks volume is at a 10 when it needs to be a 2.
But annoying Lauren is just one of Patricks many problems.
The other is that people dont want to align with wild banshees.
Because when the party is over, that guy is going home alone.
Youre not going to count on Lampshade Party Guy for anything important.
Hes never going to be your confidante or someone you would trust.
And then you just want him out of your sight.
(You also want your lampshade back, but thats a whole other thing.)
So Patrick and his sunburn could be in trouble.
Lets head to the immunity challenge to find out how much trouble exactly.
Let me tell you loud and let me tell you proud I love this challenge.
And there is a cool story behind it.
It was tons of fun.
So this fan named Will Arbuckle came to the convention to personally accostSurvivorchallenge producer John Kirhoffer.
And accost he did!
He pitched Kirhoffer an idea.
Then he started pitching more ideas.
Kirhoffer then hired the guy as a consultant and a Dream Teamer.
And this sign post puzzle is Wills idea!
And I love it!
How cool was it to use the names of formerSurvivorlocations on the posts?
So smart and inventive.
Will has one more challenge idea you will see in episode 5.)
Of course, in my mind, anything underwater is a classic.
They should just stage the entire season underwater as far as Im concerned.
Jeff Probst can float around in an orange scuba suit.Survivor: Atlantis,yall!
Another reason this challenge was so amazing?
And it is at this point when Ryan starts reciting passages from my recaps of yesteryear.
Only problem for Ryan is that Simone is not a much better option.
He doesnt trust her at all, so it has become a case of pick your poison.
What will he do?
Theyre just going to surround me on the Moon Bounce and yell Dalton the Dolphin!
At least theyre voting someone out of this birthday party.
So, all in all, not a spectacular second episode.
I dug the challenge a lot, but wonder how many gamers and interesting characters we have to follow.
Ryan, I guess.
Joe and Dr. Mike from the Healers are intriguing.
And Chrissy is showing us something on the Heroes tribe.
Is that about it so far?
Hoping some more personalities emerge that we can really get behind.
They may be there.
I feel like I still dont know who half these people are.
Like, I may have just imagined this, but isnt there someone named Roark on this season?
No idea what she looks like, but the name sounds familiar.
Or maybe Im just daydreaming aboutFantasy Islandagain.
Well have plenty of time to find out.
But I would say that this season is off to a bit of a slow start.
Lets get to the goodies now!
it’s possible for you to check out an exclusive deleted scene from the episode below.
Also confirm to enjoy my weeklyQ&A with Hostmaster General Jeff Probst.
And the first place you could hear from the ousted Simone is Thursday at 9:40 a.m.
ET onEW Morning Live(Entertainment Weekly Radio, SiriusXM, channel 105).
Finally, for all theSurvivorscoop, follow me on Twitter@DaltonRoss.
Okay, now itsyourturn.
How are you feeling about the season so far?
Did the Hustlers make the right move it getting rid of Simone instead of Patrick?
And are Cole and Jessica the next Taylor and Figgy?
Hit the message boards to weigh in and Ill be back next week with another scoop of the crispy!
