New alliances take shape when the tribes merge
Hey, everyone!
Wow, that is really…depressing.
(What, you think theyre actually there for the MONEY?!?)
Credit: CBS
But no, I chose to waste my life away on this.
But Im sorry to say there will be noSurvivorrecap this week.
THATS BECAUSE WE GOT SOMETHING BETTER!
Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to the Official Outback SteakhouseTMSurvivorrecap.
Yes, the steak authority will be in charge of this weeks recap.
Perhaps well have a #PurpleHatAlert.
Maybe Ill trade in my beloved Milwaukees Best for a Fosters Lager.
Kangaroos and koala bears living together in harmony while toilets flush backwards!
Adam Sandler personally, Im a fan.
The steak just falls off the bone and melts in your mouth.
Oh my God, that is so good, a semi-orgasmic Devon sighed.
Best steak Ive ever had, said Lauren with about as much emotion as Lauren can ever muster.
Amazing, agreed Ryan.
Now, see, thats exactly the punch in of line that wouldnotget me on television.
So I guess I would be deuces like my man Joe.
But before I can do that, lets recap this S.O.B.
while we chow down on Steakhouse Mac & Cheese Bites!
But really quickly before we do, just two things to which I would like to draw your attention.
Its a fascinating read and I highly encourage you toread it right here.
(you could also see theirfavorite memories right herein case you missed that.)
Okay, back to our regularly scheduled recap!
Sure, thats a little braggy, but its also an excellent point.
That is exactly the situation you want to be in, and Chrissy has maneuvered quite well.
(Is it just me, or is Jersey killing it this season?
Garden State, yall!)
Thats not me speaking, either.
Those are the contestants themselves.
They even set up an entire three-tribe challenge that would not be run.
Did any of it mean anything?
But think about all the work that went into setting that up FOR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
That is not going to be the case today, he told them.
Unfortunately not everyone can move on.
I just want to take some time, yo, to thank everyone for all their hard work.
They literally did that once and said they were sorry to tell them they had made it through.
I get that its a fake-out, but it makes no sense.
Why would you be sorry to deliver incredibly good news to people?
Well, the reaction of one contestant in particular.
And that would be Ryan, who hit truly Fishbachian levels of futility with his attempt to high-five someone.
Seriously, someone just put your hand up and Ryan will find it!
Alas, nobody wanted to be on the receiving end of his attempt to slap some skin.
And you know what that means.
What that means is that someone needs to make a GIF of that, toot suite.
Like, did that ever come up in any sort of meetingat all?Did that conversation never happen?
Because I probably would have had that conversation.
I just cant get enough and all I want to do is stuff it into my mouth.
Just call it Chocolate Explosion.
Okay, maybe thats not any better.
In fact, I think that may actually sound worse.
At this point even a simple Chocolate or Vanilla Dessert sounds dirty.
But holy moly, did you see the size of those beers?!?
He even was rocking that pseudo-stein in his confessional interview!
And then there was Joe, who ordered two steaks and three desserts.
Im sure he feltfantasticabout an hour later.
(#SevereGastrointestinalDistress)
Of course, food is not the only thing going down.
Using Chrissys math skills, that makes a majority.
But other people have other plans.
Ben seems game because he is certainly no fan of Cole.
Hes selfish, says Ben, and I dont think Cole respects anyone here.
He just respects himself.
Interesting that Lauren and Ben are feeding intel to someone they will eventually vote against.
People like him and want to work with him.
Maybe this means Ben and/or Lauren could come back around to siding with him at a later time.
(By the way, lets hear it for the reenactment actors in the following clip.)
Look, this season hasnt been stellar.
I think most of us are in agreement on that.
Notallof us, of course because it is impossible forSurvivorfans to agree on anything but most of us.
The only problem I had with it is Im not sure how much it worked as a spectator sport.
The fun in watching endurance or balance competitions is spotting the signs when someone starts to falter.
When someones stack of plates starts shaking, can they get it back on track?
When someone starts to lose their grip, can they fight through the pain?
Some of the thrill of watching comes from tracking how each contestant is doing.
But what happens when you have no idea whatsoever?
My issue with this contest is that everyone was just kind of in until they were out.
Again, I actually like the competition itself.
Im just not sure how intriguing it was to watch.
But heres a piece of advice for all future contestants.
Ignore the s out of him!
Probst is a bit of a chatterbox during challenges.
(You think its easy?
Go try it for 30 minutes straight sometime.)
And he then immediately dropped his ball.
It wouldnt matter, of course.
No way I win this one.
I love that thing.
Not quite Medallion of Power-level fashion, but close enough.
He apologizes to Ben for his food habits, but Bens not having it.
Hes offended me this whole time Ive been at camp with him, says the easily offended former Marine.
Ishouldbe [out] 1 or 2.
Thats so great on so many levels.
Normally, you wouldneverwant to tell anyone under any circumstances that you should be the first one voted out.
The guy makes good theater.
Do I think that is smart gameplay?
But there is something so intoxicating about watching someone play full pedal to the metal.
Its like downing one of those bottomless beer mugs from Outback SteakhouseTM.
It just feels right.
God, Im thirsty.
As for the vote, the Healers seem to be setting their target on Chrissy.
And I dont mean her ouster will do something specific in terms of the numbers moving forward.
But the real wild cards here are Ben and Lauren.
(Recap continues on next page)
So off to Tribal we go to see how it plays out.
But really, Tribal is all about two things: Joe.
This is followed up with both a rhetorical question (Are you about that life?)
Im about life, Im jut unclear on whether or not I am aboutthatlife.
But hes not done.
Hes not evencloseto being done!
This is Joe Freakin Mena were talking about!
Hell be deuces when hesayshes deuces!
Until then, grab your Volcano Shrimp and enjoy the show.
No, I foundidols.
Every camp I go to Im gonna find an idol.
So lets switch up the game.
Lets not talk about this vote.
BECAUSE HES ABOUT THAT LIFE!
But this time, it proved to be a waste.
The votes begin to pile up for the Virgin on one side and the Math Whiz on the other.
We sit tied at 5-5, and it is finally time to see what Ben and Lauren will do.
I actually assumed when push came to shove they would stay with the Healers.
The next two votes go to Jessica.
The poor woman got Figgyed!
But did Ben and Lauren make the right move?
Id have to say…probably.
I dont have any idea what to make of what people make of Lauren out there.
I feel like I have no grasp at all on how she is viewed.
But at last she is viewed.
I mean, did anyone evenseeJP in this episode?
I seriously cannot remember ever laying eyes on him.
Its like he got Roarked this entire episode.
Thats what I love about the merge it basically becomes an entirely new season.
Or maybe it wont.
But at least we now have a chance of things picking up.
And now its almost time for me to go from picking up to packing up.
However, I first would like to draw your attention to all our bonusSurvivorgoodies.
Goodies like an exclusive deleted scene above.
Goodies like our weeklyQ&A with Hostmaster General Jeff Probst.
Goodies like our exit interview with Jessica on at 9:40 a.m. And goodies like ourmerge interview with Ryanand the35 Former Players Sharing Their Most Painful Memories.
Plus, for even more nonsense, follow me on Twitter@DaltonRoss.
Did Ben and Lauren make the right move?
Whos in the best spot moving forward?
Do you love or loathe Joes shenanigans?
Hit the message boards to weigh in and Ill be back next week with another scoop of the crispy!
