The core four getting to hang out for some summer fun?
Hiram being super evil?
A strange newTrue Detective-esque mystery?
Credit: Jack Rowand/The CW
Im weirdly into it.
Cheryl being a vigilante?
The only thing Im not fully into is, well, levitating babies, but well get to that.
Lets start at the beginning!
Speaking of his trial, its time for the closing arguments.
The prosecution is not a fan of Archies classic excuse: My girlfriends fathers doorman did it!
Now, its Archies moms turn to speak.
By the way, can I just say that there is NO WAY his mother should be his attorney!
According to mama bear, there is nothing here that proves thatArchie Andrewsis anything less than an innocent boy.
A SWEET, STUPID, INNOCENT PRECIOUS BABY BOY.
dismisses the court to reconvene on Tuesday, the day after Labor Day.
But all Archie wants is to have a great, normal Labor Day weekend, and thats Cheryls cue.
As for Betty, she claims to be going to therapy.
And so she does.
are coming up with a plan to keep an eye on the Ghoulies.
Apparently, the Serpents are now living out of tents (and possibly running out of clothes).
And honestly, its probably the best thing hes done thus far in terms of preparing for this verdict.
Then theres Kevin and Moose, who are potentially making a pact to lose their virginity by … Halloween.
(Kevins not very patient.)
Archie saved her life once, and now she cant do anything to help him.
Well,shemight not be able to, but Veronica has a plan.
Because jury tampering is always a good plan.
And if Betty is his Serpent Queen, shes going with him (along with a few others).
Before they can move in, Cheryl aims her next arrow for Pennys head.
(But also, CHERYL FOR THE WIN.)
(Especially considering that the last time they were here, they were attacked by leeches!)
Instead, Betty has been writing herself prescriptions for Adderall.
Can you imagine?!
Apparently, there are some Serpents in Quebec talk about far from the South Side who could help him.
As he says, I didnt kill anyone but I couldve.
I have to take responsibility for that.
Welp, weve done it, guys.
Weve just witnessed the DUMBEST thing Archie has ever said.
He even gives her the matching beanie she never asked for.
As for Veronica and Archie, they have sex by the fire while they still can.
And then Veronica stops Archie from breaking up with her.
She is not letting her dad take away the one thing that she loves.
(Sorry, Hermione.)
The Gargoyle King, Dilton says, but Jug has to get to the courthouse.
He tells Dilton to wait for him in his kitchen.
He doesnt want to put anyone through another trial.
Plus, Fred tells her not to worry, THE HOT DADS OF RIVERDALE WILL HANDLE IT!
As for the Lodge family, Hiram admits that he didnt do this to hurt Archie.
He did it because Veronica betrayed him.
This is your punishment.
You chose that boy over blood, he says.
Veronicas response: You dont have a daughter anymore.
And Jug doesnt have a Dilton anymore.
He returns home to a creepy drawing and a map of sorts that takes him deep into the woods.
There, he finds Dilton and Ben basically bowing at the foot of some creepy Gargoyle King altar.
Theyve got carvings in their backs, and they appear dead.
Like I said, this is someTrue Detectivestuff, and Im into it!
What Im less into?
Babies aside, I really loved this hour.
So far, season 3 is off to a good start.
