Actually, let’s talk about it all!
The hour starts with Toni telling Penelope Blossom all about Edgar harvesting organs.
Penelope, staying true to who she is, knocks Toni out and heads straight to the Farm.
Credit: Dean Buscher/The CW
She stops Edgar from …
STEALING BETTY’S BRAIN?!
WHAT IS THIS?!
Alice is suspicious when Edgar says Betty escaped, but she can’t get in touch with her daughter.
And cue Sister Woodhouse’s entrance!
If you thought this nun had more to say, you were right!
It seems she was Penelope’s mentor back when she was an orphan.
Sister Woodhouse taught Penelope all about poison.
In other words, Sister Woodhouse is the one who murdered her fellow nuns.
“No masks at the dinner table,” Penelope tells them.
“Take them off.”
Hal does as he’s told and no one is surprised.
But before the King takes off his mask, Penelope gives Jug one final chance to guess.
Just then, the Gargoyle King removes his mask and it’s a red-headed Chic!
Why does he have red hair?
Because Penelope has deluded herself into thinking he’s Jason?
This family is too much.
Also, Chic is far too short to be the King, for what it’s worth.
Long story short, Hal never murdered Chic.
Instead, Chic pledged his life to Hal in service of his mission.
Hal’s mission, however, was really Penelope’s mission.
And when Hal was arrested, Chic continued the mission.
Chic then spread it to Ben Button and so on.
And when they lose, she’ll kill them.
(Aren’t you glad she wore her sexiest dress for this murderous occasion?)
But here’s where I’d like to talk about some very unfair woman stuff.
This is some BS.
I guess we found Jason’s corpse?
Alice has to stay to help Polly but she asks Cheryl to find Betty and save her.
Alice then returns to ascension night.
Speaking of Betty, she’s at the start of the quest, and Archie is up first.
Remember how he fought a bear earlier this season?
Archie wins (and maybe commits murder?)
before they move on to Veronica’s task … which unfairly is also a task for Betty?
Again, this game is misogynistic and I’m not having it.
There are six chalices in front of them.
Just like that, Penelope shows up and congratulates Veronica on proving her loyalty.
THERE WON’T BE A WOMAN FOR YOU TO LOVE IF YOU STOP MOVING, ARCHIE!!
But then, something truly amazing happens.
Archie tells her “none of us dies tonight.”
NONE OF US DIES!
THAT IS PROPER GRAMMAR!
Guys, is Archie smart now!?
That brings us to Jug’s challenge, where he has to physically fight Chic.
Why are all the men’s tasks so physical?
Anyway, Jug wins, but the poison is starting to set in.
Together, the Serpents and Poisons head out to save the day!
Back on the hunt, it’s time for Betty’s quest.
She’s handed a gun with one bullet in it, and then Hal walks out from the shadows.
Betty does shoot him, but it’s not a kill shot.
She shows up and finishes the job herself, killing Hal in front of Betty.
Do these kids have some insane endurance?!
(And reminder: The women are doing it in heels!)
But when they get there, all they find is a devastated Kevin.
With that, Chic heads to jail, Hal is dead, and Penelope manages to escape.
Seriously, THIS FAMILY.
(Whoever thought to put him in his OWN prison should go to prison for stupidity.)
She’s been trying to help them take down the Farm!!!
Talk about a twist.
And the FBI agent who tells her this information just so happens to be Charles, her actual half-brother.
He’s also Jughead’s half-brother, so that’s not weird… Just as they raise their milkshakes to that, we get a glimpse of the future.
Betty and Veronica are standing next to him, both in their underwear, both covered in blood.
Betty’s explaining that they have to burn their clothes, including Jug’s beanie.
Then they will rinse off in the swimming hole and never speak of this night again.
They will finish senior year, graduate, and go their separate ways.
That’s the only way they won’t get caught.
Then, Archie tosses Jug’s beanie on the fire.
I wasn’t always a fan of season 3, but that is a great way to end it.
(But really, what did Penelope do with all those organs?)
