WELL I BET YOU DO NOW.
But Cheryls not kidding.
Why she chose to only shoot him once is something Ill never understand.
Credit: Photo: Katie Yu/The CW
Maybe because shes new to this whole vigilante business?
By the time she calls Betty, shes busy TRACKING THE BLACK HOOD THROUGH THE WOODS.
So maybe shes not new to this vigilante business?
But the Hood isnt the only person feeling riled up.
Clearly someone put something in the water in Riverdale because everyone has lost their damn minds.
If you think Im exaggerating, you are sorely mistaken.
In other words, this show is about to turn intoThe Purge.
Or, as Veronica tells her mom, Are you and daddy trying to turn Riverdale into Gotham City?
And now I cant help but view Hiram as the Penguin for some reason.
While Principal Weatherby breaks up a Bulldogs-Serpents showdown at the high school even Weatherby is carrying a baseball bat!
Betty returns home in the hopes of finding her father.
Instead, all she gets is a phone call from FP whos looking for Jughead.
Way to use that brilliant mind, Reg.
AND HERES WHERE THINGS GET EVEN CRAZIER.
The Ghoulies show up looking like the War Boys fromMad Max.
Im talking painted faces.
Im talking bats with nails sticking out of them.
WHAT IS THIS?!
These cops couldnt keep Fangs safe, you think they remembered to ask for his car back?!
and save the day.
Leave it to Kevin to title the spinoff we all want: Hot Riverdale Dads to the Rescue.
Sad little Hermione knew about it.
Seeing as how Freds campaign is all about family values, they were planning to use it against him.
It might hurt Hermione, but it would destroy Fred.
Thats the final straw for Veronica, whos sick of her father always letting someone else take the risk.
Thankfully, Hermione grabs Hirams gun and beats Small Fry to it.
(Next: The Black Hood reveals himself)
But guess what?
The Lodges arent even the most dramatic family in this hour.
After Betty races to the hospital, all she discovers is a dead doctor.
Then, her phone rings.
Spoiler: Its Hal!!!
Hal sits Betty and Alice down to show them some home movies of him when he was a boy.
(Talk about torture.)
In the video, his mother calls the Conways sinners and explains that sinners have to die.
So while other kids were learning how to read, Hal was learning about murder and manipulation.
After all, innocence is overrated!
He was the murderer.
He killed Great Grandpappy Blossom and then took on the Cooper name to create a new identity for himself.
The Conways knew their secret, which is why Bettys grandpa killed them.
Mr. Svenson was the only survivor, and Hal convinced him to keep his mouth shut.
(But do any of you have a fun wig?!)
But he wont confess to the shooting at the debate.
So who was it?
Well, perhaps its the guy who just showed up at the Andrews house and shot Fred.
Dont worry Keller has him wearing a vest now.
Thats the idea, but Alice has never been one to go down without a fight.
While all of this is going on, Penny Peabody returns.
She has now partnered with the Ghoulies and decides to kidnap Toni.
But the joke is on her when the Red Hood shows up and saves the day!
Honestly, did Jug know about Cheryls secret identity?!
And have I ever laughed so hard at a moment onRiverdale?
The answer to the latter is definitely no.
(20 bucks says he couldnt tell you Fangs last name.)
First up, Jug calls Hiram: Hes realized that Hiram has been behind all of this.
But Jug has a counteroffer…the Ghoulies get Jughead.
(To kill, if that part wasnt clear.)
Lets be real, Im not actually worried that hes dead.
To be honest, the moment would be a bit more impactful if I believed theyd really kill him.
Lets just hope that Cheryl and her red hunting cape can save us all.
(Although they couldnt save this episode from itself, so its not looking good.)
