Dont let that perfect ponytail fool you, guys.
Bettys life is MESSED UP.
(Honestly, the man cant just buy some new shaving cream?!)
Credit: Bettina Strauss/The CW
Alices plan is to leave it in a sewer pipe that she used to frequent as a child.
You know, because sewer pipes are totally normal places for small children to love.
By the end of the night, Bettys polished every last apple in the house, and shes exhausted.
I dont like chocolate chip pancakes she says.
Im sorry WHAT?!
Breakfast is then interrupted when Jug shows up to walk Betty to school.
Rather, its all about typical Cooper house lunacy.
And lets all take a moment to realize that Betty just called murder typical.
And shes not wrong.
At school, Betty has a close call when Kevin shows up announcing that the cops found a body.
But no, it wasnt in a sewer pipe.
(After all, only kids hang out in those.)
The body Kevin is referring to is none other than Papa Poutine.
Bettys relieved, but the moment still makes her so nervous she ends up vomiting in the bathroom.
And when Cheryl finds her, she takes an interest in Bettys life.
That interest is then doubled when Cheryl sees Hal leaving her house.
And then, when the dead guys phone rings, she takes it with her!!!
Has this girl learned nothing from living in this terrible town?!
Furthermore, he was Chics drug dealer.
Again, he just asked BETTY about hot-wiring a car.
And thats not even the most heinous thing!
The most heinous thing is that you know she definitely can!
Together, they get rid of the car and the guys phone.
In a week, there wont even be teeth left.
Now enjoy your milkshakes guys!
As for Chic, hes back home cutting Hal out of family pictures.
(Oh, I should mention that Cheryl told Betty about her fathers affair.
Needless to say, no one likes Hal.
Not even Hal.)
But Archie doesnt crack.
Hes firmly on Team Hiram at this point, something that cant be said of the Serpents.
Yes, this legendary (and very scary) businessmans biggest fear right now is a teenagers story.
And then the teenager has the balls to turn him down!
Archie does this even AFTER the FBI pays him a salary for being an informant, by the way.
The kid just cant help himself: He loves a sneaky Lodge.
(And it helps if theyve got some wrestling moves.)
After chatting with Archie, Hiram assures his daughter that he had nothing to do with Papa Poutines death.
As for Archie, he tells Agent Adams to look into Lenny as the murderer.
If Archie wants to help his dad, hell need to plant a bug in Hirams office.
While Archie thinks that over, Veronica walks in on her parents fighting with Mayor McCoy.
But they have something to expose too: her affair with Sheriff Keller.
(Can you blame her?!)
But before her parents can act, Veronica warns the mayor, which causes her to voluntarily resign.
As for Veronica, she lies to her father about getting involved.
Because youre not a Lodge if you dont tell a lie or two.
And shes here to tell Archie that Agent Adams was fake.
Hes a friend that they paid to test Archies loyalty.
Meanwhile, has Andre always been this hot?!
Also, Id like to request more Andre.
