And it also had a scene that possibly made me the happiest Ive ever been watching this show.
And then the rest of it was perfectly fine.
Can I stop there or do you want to know more?
Credit: Katie Yu/The CW
But Im not singing, and all my clothes are staying on.
(Im kidding…about the second thing.)
Apparently, the way Archie and Veronica have decided to rebel against the Black Hood is through carnal defiance.
Because according to Jughead, being a horny teenager is how you become the opposite of death.
Because if youre not careful you might accidentally create a life?
And just like that, Veronica and Archie have plenty to discuss that has nothing to do with love.
And then she yells at Janitor Svenson for barging in without knocking.
But lets be honest Cheryl, hes not the only creep here.
In other words, Hermione is totes fine with Archie dying for her daughter.
At Pops, FP reveals that hes now in AA and is done with the Serpent life.
He even asks Pop if he can get a job (and he does).
This time, FP is on the straight and narrow.
And he wants the same for Jug.
Although now that Jug has survived the gauntlet, he seems determined to remain a part of the Serpents.
With that, FP starts his new job at Pops, and Jughead hates it immediately.
And this is where things start to go truly wrong…but were not there yet.
But he tells her hes done…even though she threatens Betty.
And then he died.
He called it the devils house, and now Archie and Veronica have to pay it a visit.
(Honestly, the cops in this town should be ashamed.)
Sorry, Im getting ahead of myself.
So, they compare the photo they found to old school yearbooks until they find him: Its Svenson!
(You know, if you wondered why he kept popping up in episodes lately.)
Archie and Veronica confront Svenson, and he tells them that he saw the man who killed his family.
Or so he says.
He claims it was never reported, so no one knew about it.
(He at least couldve told poor Sheriff Howard and given that guy some peace.)
Archie tells Veronica that Svenson isnt the Hood.
He doesnt have the eyes.
So that was a dead end…or was it?
By episodes end, Svenson is looking at some photo of a group of men.
Could they be the ones who killed the Reaper?
Is one of them the Black Hood?
Ugh, I feel like I sound like Jughead right now.
Speaking of Jughead, its time for FPs party, where the Cooper women steal the show.
Betty lets her hair down!
Alice is wearing dark lipstick!
And yet, its Archie and Veronica who take the stage.
But of course, hes a teen so hes hoping that by saying that, shell say it back.
And when she doesnt, hes not happy.
(Whats wrong with Pour Some Sugar on Me?)
But about halfway through the performance, Veronica storms off stage.
Outside, she tells Arch that, for whatever reason, she cant say it back.
And then she gets in a car and heads home.
So it seems they just broke up.
AND NOW WEVE MADE IT TO THE MOST CRINGEWORTHY EVENT OF YOUR LIFE.
When Veronica runs out, Betty takes over her karaoke performance.
But she doesnt just sing.
She starts TAKING OFF HER CLOTHES.
Reminder: Betty is a teen!
Also, of all the critiques in the world: Mad World is a terrible striptease song.
FP then announces hes not leaving the Serpents.
Actually, hes NEVER leaving the Serpents.
So now, FP is in, and Jug is out.
So he breaks up with her.
And, as Jug says, Archie sees Betty as if for the very first time.
As they both make eye contact, Archie smiles.
(Thank God he didnt witness that striptease.
It wouldve ruined everything.)
And I find it next to impossible to think about anything else from this hour.
(Unless you want to talk about Alice Coopers Serpent lipstick.
