We start with a quick catch-up on what Cheryls new life is like.
In short, shes miserable.
Her hair is in a ponytail.
Credit: Katie Yu/The CW
Talk about some sound logic!
Then theres the other political campaign: Fred versus Hermione for mayor.
He never went to New York and left Riverdale behind!
Also, he never went to prison!
(Hes got you there, Hiram.)
Once again our poor, sweet, dumb Archie just doesnt get it.
But Hiram tells his guard dog to step down.
Hes got this handled.
Archie agrees, so you instantly know that will never actually happen.
(Spoiler: It doesnt.)
You do always find a way to make yourself useful.
And proving that Hiram is dumber than Archie, he tells Arch that hes in.
Elsewhere, Betty and Alice have real problems when the authorities find the dead guys car in the swamp.
FP tells everyone to lay low and act normal.
Why were taking advice from someone whos been to prison, Im not sure.
But rest assured Jughead will go against his fathers advice in about 10 minutes.
(Clearly, Sweet Pea is a history geek.)
So wait, the owners not the dead guy?
Ultimately, Archie wins the macho contest, after which he heads to Hirams dinner.
BUT what I really wont stand for is them calling Archie a zit-faced high school kid.
Archie might be a dumb jock but his skin is FLAWLESS!!!
And yeah, its awkward.
Speaking of awkward, lets get back to the whole Chic calls Darla thing.
I know what to do!
she probably says to herself.
Ill call my 120-pound teenage boyfriend.
And thats exactly what happens.
I laughed out loud when Jug kicked down that door.
But also, I loved it.
Alice then promptly kicks Chic out of the house before apologizing to the Serpent teens who saved the day.
So theyre having sex, right?!
MORE OF THIS, c’mon.
Acting fast, Archie chases down the assailant and discovers that Adams is now working for Carl and Lenny.
(But hes not the Black Hood, right?)
Regardless, Hiram needs to come up with a plan.
My only question: Who will protect the lobby?!
(So theyre very scary to anyone whos trying to to look tired and/or age!)
Archie then returns home where his mother is disappointed in him for missing his dads big speech.
Who are you, Archie, she asks without knowing the HALF of it.
Because, as she puts it, This schools gonna burn.
So to sum things up: Kevin knows everything!
Teens in masks defeated gangsters!
Cheryl escaped from a group of scary nuns!
Honestly, what more could you want from an episode ofRiverdale?
