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Veronica’s confirmation brings a lot of sketchy people to an already sketchy town HasRiverdalegone tooRiverdaleat this point? Thats the (fairly confusing) question Im asking myself after this weeks episode. I mean, Veronica just sang Bittersweet Symphony while walking down the aisle of her own confirmation. Credit: Daniel Power/The CW Also, Betty now spends her mornings having webcam sex before school? And lets not forget that there were TWO murders this week....

And it also had a scene that possibly made me the happiest Ive ever been watching this show. And then the rest of it was perfectly fine. Can I stop there or do you want to know more? Credit: Katie Yu/The CW But Im not singing, and all my clothes are staying on. (Im kidding…about the second thing.) Apparently, the way Archie and Veronica have decided to rebel against the Black Hood is through carnal defiance....

Dont let that perfect ponytail fool you, guys. Bettys life is MESSED UP. (Honestly, the man cant just buy some new shaving cream?!) Credit: Bettina Strauss/The CW Alices plan is to leave it in a sewer pipe that she used to frequent as a child. You know, because sewer pipes are totally normal places for small children to love. By the end of the night, Bettys polished every last apple in the house, and shes exhausted....

We start this week by finding out that Cheryl and her mother are living in a bordello. Let me clear it up for you: Cheryls mother needed a job, so now shes a prostitute. Its something shes been doing for two weeks now, and you know what? Credit: Diyah Pera/The CW Shes feeling pretty good about herself. The mayor is closing down Southside High School and sending the students elsewhere....

Christmas in Riverdale means romance and a big reveal Happy holidays,Riverdalefans! I bet you didnt expect to seethatunder your tree! Nope, thats Betty. Credit: Katie Yu/The CW While Bettys nightmares give her anxiety, both Cheryl and Archie are dealing with money problems at home. Because hard candy is cheaper than soft candy? I dont understand this. Also, I love hard candy. the read-along record they used to listen to together when they were 5....

I felt the stakes in this hour. I believed the drama. Hes watching them all closely. Credit: Shane Harvey/The CW This is a test. If they show him theyre pure of heart, his work ends. Otherwise, well, you know what happens. But thats put on pause when Jug gets a phone call from Penny Peabody. Shes ready to cash in that favor. Translation: They need to get FP out of jail and fast....

This weeksRiverdalefelt like one of those episodes where a lot happened, but also … nothing really happened? I could honestly sum it up by saying Everyone is at war, and Archie and Josie had sex. Yes, Archie spends his days training with Tom Keller to become a boxer. Credit: Shane Harvey/The CW And yes, its INSANELY STUPID that Tom Keller trains Archie while wearing jeans and a jacket. I thought the very least wed get out of this story would be a shirtless Keller!...

So the Farm just went from creepy to horrifying and … I kind of love it? He has a tangible grossly so mission, and I can get on board with that!! Credit: Colin Bentley/The CW But before we get even further into all that, lets go through the three big stories this week. And yet, THAT is not the thing that will land him behind bars. Did I mention that Archies mother has a friend in the FBI because SURE....

Now, Archie offers to let Ricky sleep in his garage. Speaking of where people sleep, Alice is trying to sell Bettys! For every nice story, theres one about how her dad was the Black Hood. Credit: Jack Rowand/The CW Talk about a rich history! Of all people, they had to take precious Kevin, didnt they?! Anyone else wouldve been bearable! Hes not saying: Gangs are bad, you shouldnt be in them....

Its musical time inRiverdale! The musical episodes are just SO GOOD. So yeah, Hermione kind of has a VERY VALID point. Credit: Katie Yu/The CW But Kevin is determined to change her mind, and he does so with a song. And by the end of the song, Hermione has a realization: Are all of you this miserable? she asks a group of TEENS IN HIGH SCHOOL. Yes, OF COURSE they are!...

I feel like Ive maintained a pretty steady attitude about this season thus far: Confused but loving it. But after this episode, Ive got to admit, Im more confused than I am loving it. Are you confused by this recap now? Credit: Diyah Pera/The CW Welcome to my world! So basically it sounds like Hiram is the mastermind here, which is not shocking. Well, shes taking them, but shes making herself throw up after....

Put another way, the couple is getting married! Marcus Mason, however, makes it clear that hes not too interested in attending the wedding. Nothings going to separate these two. Credit: Sergei Bachlakov/The CW Next up, Cheryl apologizes to Moose before giving Toni the thing shes been missing: A new family. (Read: A new gang.) Actually, he doesnt just agree to be his date. He agrees to put out! WHY ANYONE THINKS THAT PLACE IS ROMANTIC IS INSANE....

Well, we almost did it guys. We almost got Archie to quit boxing but NOPE! At the last second, Veronica had to convince him to get back in the ring. Credit: Shane Harvey/The CW So clearly, Veronica hates us. But Im getting ahead of myself. (The upside for Ronson? He no longer has to watch this Archie boxing plot!) Youre innocent, Fred tells his son. But Archie doesnt believe him, and so he vows to quit boxing like the red-headed tease he is....