It is a great honor to be invited back for a second time.
Some of you will be going home tonight with an Academy Award, what could be better than that?
Just give us a minute.
We dont want another thing.
But heres what happened, this is true.
So then the accountants went ahead and did comedy on their own.
And I have to hand it to them, it was hilarious.
But it wont happen again.
Just out of curiosity though, what was your focus the other 89 years?
Im hopeful that things will go smoothly tonight, we cant ruin this one.
This is a special year, this is a big one.
These are the 90th academy awards this is history happening right here.
Our friend Oscar is 90 years old tonight, which means hes probably at home right now watchingFox News.
Of course, no, Oscar is here with us.
After all the awards given for achievements in show business, Oscar is still number one.
Just look at him.
He keeps his hands where you’ve got the option to see them.
Never says a rude word, and most importantly, no penis at all.
He is literally a statue of limitations.
And thats the kind of men we need more of in this town.
Heres how clueless Hollywood is about womenwe made a movie calledWhat Women Wantand it starred Mel Gibson.
Kind of all you oughta know.
There are a lot of great nominees, but Harvey deserved it the most.
The Academy kicked him out and after they did, I was curious so I looked it up.
In 2004 he was kicked out for sharing screeners.
Carmine Caridi got the same punishment as Harvey Weinstein for giving his neighbor a copy ofSeabiscuiton VHS.
But what happened with Harvey and whats happening all over is way overdue.
We cant let bad behavior slide anymore.
The world is watching us.
We need to set an example.
Things are changing for the better, theyre making sure of that.
This is a night for positivity.
And the reason I remember that time is because it was March of last year.
But this year we have a lot to celebrate.
So many of tonights nominees are making history.
And in fact, if you are a nominee tonight who isnt making history, shame on you.
Greta Gerwig is the first woman to be nominated for director in 8 years, and thats important.
Only 11% of movies are directed by women.
She was paid $80 a day for the same thing.
And what made it especially unfair is that Mark and Michelle are represented by the same agency.
And I have to admit this story really surprised me.
This one shook me because if we cant trust agents, who can we trust?
What a debut it was.
None other than President Trump calledGet Outthe best first three-quarters of a movie this year.
Margot Robbie had a great year, too.
Margot scored her first nomination for her portrayal of Tonya Harding inI, Tonya.
Whose kneecaps did Tonya Harding have to break to get this dream casting?
Because if they made a movie about my life, best case scenario Id be played by Jim Belushi.
Wow, look at that tux.
Are you having fun, Timothee?
This is a big deal: Timothee is missingPaw Patrolto be here tonight.
Dont worry Rider and his team of pups save the day.
In fact, of the nine best picture nominees only two of them made more than 100 million dollars.
She earned her 21st Oscar nomination.
Meryls film career started in 1977.
Congratulations, Im very happy for Guillermo.
The first Oscar ceremony lasted, and this is true, 15 minutes from beginning to end.
And people still complained.
Speak from the heart.
If you want to thank a favorite teacher do that.
Or maybe you just want to thank your parents and tell your kids to go to sleep.
But with that said, this is a really long show.
So heres what were going to do.
[Johnny/announcer: Its a brand new jet ski!]
Thank you, Helen, thank you, Johnny.
Helen Mirren not included.
This is not a joke.
I will be timing you.
I have a stopwatch.
The moment you are handed that Oscar, the clock will start ticking.
So get up here, grab it, and go.
