I wanted to be a great, relevant comic.
It was black or white, life or death, success or failure, mostly failure in my mind.
I was only as good as my last set, and I never got the break I wanted.
Credit: Tim Mosenfelder/Getty Images; Astrid Stawiarz/Getty Images; Jason LaVeris/FilmMagic
I just knew I didnt have it and wasnt getting it despite the fact that I worked obsessively hard.
It was never enough compared to __________.
I was desperate and angry all the time.
Flatiron Books
I lived in a failure state of mind all the time.
Most of these are just fuel for the fire of failure.
They were also the engine of my creativity.
They were my themes.
I thought they were all the keys to my success.
The bitterness started to erode my ability to create.
I used to think people who didnt fail were somehow shallow sellouts who just knew how to sell themselves.
I also learned that acknowledging your victories, even minor instances, is important.
Success or failure as a general description or overview of a creative life is ludicrous.
When I started the podcast I had failed.
I was in my mid-forties.
My comedy career hadnt panned out.
I had no real prospects in my mind.
I was broke and coming out of a second childless marriage.
I had to accept it and attempt to move on.
I believed I wasnt ever going to be a relevant comic and that all my opportunities were behind me.
I was old and had missed my window.
They are a cautionary tale or a struggle that can be won.
Without failure, I would not have any success.
AMAZING JOHNATHANCOMEDIAN, MAGICIANThe school talent show stopped me from being a real magician.
Kids are cruel about that stuff, but it was so bad they didnt say a word.
I did six tricks, and all six tricks went wrong.
I have to get out of this.
She got out of the sword box halfway through the trick and knocked all the sides off.
I killed my dove.
I produced a dove and it ran.
It got out of my hand and was running and I chased it and it stopped real fast.
I couldnt stop that fast.
I ran right over it, squashed it with my foot.
Then, oh, I exposed the levitation.
You could see the steel bar holding the girl up in the air the whole entire time.
It was supposed to be hidden until I got right in front of it.
This was going to be my big thing.
This was going to get me chicks in high school.
This was going to be what made me from an idiot to a champ.
Then the final thing was the guillotine.
I said, That cant go wrong, because the blade falls.
It penetrates the neck and doesnt cut the head off.
Then they shut the lights off.
It just blacked out.
That was all done to Elton Johns Funeral for a Friend.
Im dressed like a dick fromGodspellwith those rainbow suspenders and the heart on my forehead.
I thought that was so cool.
I had my hair permed like Doug Henning.
I just tanked, man.
I went to Toronto and got so shitfaced after that night.
I said, Ill never do magic again.
Never did a serious magic show after that.
JON BENJAMINCOMEDIAN, WRITER, DIRECTOR, ACTORIve done phone pranks that have gone awry.
One involved the FBI.
The gist of it was, we were watching TV, we were getting high.
It was kind of a rival to my moms.
So I jokingly said, Lets call her.
Give me Didis number, Im going to call your sister and tell her not to do that.
So I called their phone.
After reviewing your daughters utility, we dont feel shes ready for the Charlotte Klein program.
Perhaps you should try Performing Arts School in Worcester.
I dont even think Charlie laughed.
He was just watching porn or something.
Three weeks later, I got a call from Charlie saying, This is all fucked!
I went to Worcester, and we are fucked!
What are you talking about?
What do you mean?
His sister was a lawyer who worked for his father, who was also a lawyer.
He was a big divorce attorney in Worcester.
The mom was a mean angry person.
I dont know how they jumped to that conclusion.
MARCHow did it get resolved?
Charlies father called me up and he was like, You psycho fucking idiot!
You will never make a cent!
Im going to sue you!
Youll never make a cent for the rest of your fucking life, you psycho!
How could you do that?
I was like, I .
Charlie, apparently, completely sold me down the river.
When he got home, it was like that scene from The Godfather.
The father is pacing.
Charlie is like, Whats going on?
Theyre like, This is bad.
This woman is trying to kill Didis daughter.
They told him about the tape, and the message, and Charlies like, That was Jon Benjamin.
That was my friend Jon Benjamin.
BIG JAY OAKERSONCOMEDIANI was driving strippers and escorts to bachelor parties.
A friend of mine said his girlfriends dad works for this company.
I thought it was going to be the best job ever, but its a very dangerous job.
Theyll always be like, You know, they have fun.
When you get there you never know whats going to happen.
Then I got to go, Ahh, she doesnt really do that.
Theyre like, What?
They get angry and they start getting aggressive.
MARCYou would go bring one girl to a place and thered be five guys who want to fuck her?
JAYOh man, I wish those numbers were right.
No, it was one or two girls and thered be fifteen to twenty guys.
I had a gun pulled on me.
It was two girls and they were getting changed back into their clothes.
It was after the show.
An old Italian guy is banging on the door trying to get in.
He wasnt a scary-looking guy at all.
I walked out of the room and I told the guy, You cant go in.
He says, No, Im going to go in.
I paid for this.
I was like, No, no, what you paid for is over.
He says, Well, I paid for it so I say I can go in there.
He pulled out a gun and put it right between my eyes.
Loaded, cocked, I have no idea, but he put it right between my eyes.
Theyre just animal drug addicts.
Why do I have a gun in my face?
I used to be afraid of rain when I was a kid.
They dont give a fuck if I get shot for them.
Theyll go out there and fight the guy themselves.
This is better than their home life, what theyre living right now.
MARCWhat did you do?
JAYI said nothing and then he laughed and put the gun down by his side and walked away.
I would have fucking tackled Im like, Would you have?
Im happy he didnt shoot me in the face.
I feel like I won.
He turned his back on you?
You could have Could have what?
I was proud of myself for not shitting my pants when he did that.
That was one of the scares, gun in my face.
Another time I had to drive two miles down a dirt road.
The boss called me up and he really presented it to me very bluntly.
I thought he was kidding.
Do you care about these girls safety at all, because what am I going to do?
We met the guys at a liquor store because they said we wouldnt find the place.
This was in South Jersey.
Right when were driving down that road, I always assume were in agreement.
I always think these girls arent, like, ballsy and theyre afraid too, but theyre never afraid.
I thought we were all in agreement that were going to leave.
The girls just wanted to go in and make the money.
They really didnt care.
They kept saying, Weve got a job to do.
Like they were doing noble work.
Hey no, we signed up for this.
Were not going AWOL.
There was a bed.
There were guns all over the bed.
There were guns all over.
I called my boss.
He says, How is it?
I was like, Nah.
He goes, Is it scary?
I was like, Yeah.
The bikers were all around me, so I cant say that there are guns.
He says, Are there are guns?
Im like, Uh-huh.
He says, Are they holding them on you?
I say, Not yet.
He says, I talked to them on the phone, theyre good dudes, and just hung up.
They actually didnt cause much of a problem with me.
There was an internal biker problem.
It scared the shit out of me.
Just confused by the whole thing.
She got mad and started a big fight.
My jaw was on the floor.
I was very visible at this point.
All these bikers are like, this guys not going to do anything.
They pulled out a gun and the brother in the tighty-whiteys ran through the screen of the back door.
Just took the screen right out and jumped over the deck and took off into the woods.
The brother shot into the woods like nine times.
For the hour I was there, he never came back.
At least it wasnt me they shot at.
Now I could venture to brownnose up to him like, Your brothers kind of a dick, huh?
Stay out there in the woods, jerk-off!
I was trying to be on their team.
I yelled out the words Thirty seconds to the bathroom.
Then I went and started the car and we got the fuck out of there.
They didnt come after us.
I guess they were preoccupied, thank God.
It was a forty-five-minute drive back to Philly, and all three of us were teary-eyed.
They were yelling that Im the worst bouncer and I knew it.
I know, Im awful.
She moved to Los Angeles with me.
Then she started wearing slinkier clothes, and everything just went downhill really fast.
MARCAnd you realize that youre just there to provide them with new girlfriends.
I can remember still today when I found out that it was over with.
My girlfriend just broke up with me.
Hes like, All right, just get yourself together.
Go take some time off.
He puts his hand up.
I assume that hes going in for a hug, but he wasnt.
Im just like, Fuck LA.
I hate this out here.
This is the worst.
I hit rock bottom with that, definitely.
I got a job, I got things going.
Then I get this phone call.
One of my roommates answered the phone and its the ex.
He was not supposed to give the phone to me.
That was a solid rule, but he smiles.
Hey, the phones for you.
This had been about six months since we broke up.
She is on the phone and shes crying.
Shes like, Danny, you got to come get me.
The guy that Im seeing just threw me down the stairs and beat me up.
You got to come pick me up.
I dont want to be with her, but I still am tortured over this.
Im like, Okay, Im all in.
Were going to go save her.
We get the golf clubs out of my roommates car and were driving to Burbank.
I remember Satisfaction was playing.
We could have no hesitation.
We have to pull up and smoke this fucking guy.
We roll up to where shes at.
Were looking for this street.
We pull up, and shes just standing there on the corner with this dude whos six five.
Hes a personal trainer.
Hes this huge muscle-bound dude, and all of us just stay in the car.
Were just like, Okay, come on.
you’re free to just come on in this car.
Just get in here.
She goes to the car and he doesnt let her in.
Im just like, Come on, man.
We got to let her get into the car now, man.
He comes up into my face.
Im like, I cant believe youd hit a girl, man.
Whats wrong with you?
Hes like, What are you going to do with that golf club?
Its this big challenge.
It literally just breaks, and hes just standing there looking at me.
Im holding just the handle of the golf club.
Needless to say, that dude just fucking pounds on me.
Im getting the shit beat out of me.
My roommates are still sitting in the car watching it all.
The ex-girlfriend gets in there and shes hitting him and finally Im trying to get everyone in the car.
The dude just walks over to the passenger seat.
My buddy is sitting there with the most useful weapon, which is a baseball bat.
Just sitting there, shaking in the passenger seat.
So we get her in the car and get out of there.
Then on the way home, its just like, Who the fuck are you dating?
We get back to the apartment.
We found out that this guy has a criminal record and hes coming for us.
Im trying to calm my roommates down.
Theyre pissed, like, Why the fuck are you getting us involved with this shit?
Im like, Its going to be fine.
This guys not going to mess with us.
He has his own deal with her.
We were just picking her up.
Were in this really weird apartment complex that was backed up to the LA River.
Theyre trying to find out where we are.
My roommates are gone.
Theyre out to their car.
I just grab a handful of stuff and a kitchen knife and Im moving through this fucking apartment complex.
Were the only white guys that live at this apartment complex.
Its all Asian families.
This is my responsibility.
I got to go back for them.
Im looking for them.
We all run into each other, scaring the shit out of each other.
We got in the cars and literally left and never went back to that apartment for six months.
We were paying rent there.
Even to that day, we were tiptoeing in, in disguise, trying to take things out.
My friend was writing for MTV, writing commercials.
And theres young Marc Maron onstage.
Literally, I was next to my friend, and it was that dynamic.
I was like, Oh, this is not good.
I am not in a good place at all.
My friend is literally working at MTV now, writing up there.
That kind of spurred me, I was like, I have to change things.
He goes, Would you want to do that?
I was like, Sure.
The costumes were awful.
He bought like these generic ones.
Not the real characters.
It was like a brown Winnie-the-Pooh.
You know like the hook art?
Im profusely sweating and miserable and the mom kept yelling for me to do the hokeypokey.
Thats the only kids song she ever heard of.
She kept screaming that and called me motherfucker.
There were children everywhere.
No one cares at all.
I dont know if Im supposed to talk.
Im familiar with Elmo.
I had no preparation.
He just told me, Go be Elmo for an hour.
I have a bag and an audiocassette tape.
She hugged me and she said, I love you, Elmo.
I thought she was a pretty cool child.
It was pretty neat.
I had younger siblings, so Im good with kids.
They started telling everybody that Im not the real Elmo.
He says, If hes the real Elmo, whys he wearing Nikes?
Then he started looking through the mouth.
Like Paul Revered it, to the left and to the right.
People really stopped what they were doing.
Everything was sort of like the record scratching, everyone turning around.
Like everyone was shocked that I was white.
The kids didnt like me anymore.
It was so weird.
Then the kid goes, Lets see if Elmo has nuts.
I tried to keep him in front of me and he kicked me from behind.
He got behind me and fucking put a foot deep in my ball bag.
Because it was so hot I wasnt wearing pants.
I just wore my underwear underneath.
It was the most flush shot Ive ever taken.
The mom just kept yelling at me to get up and it was hell.
I had a motorcycle then.
A Honda Super Sport 750.
Wed get fifty bucks a show.
Pockets full of cash.
I remember one night I had done ten shows and I was like twenty-three years old.
You know, fifty bucks a show, ten shows.
Thats five hundred dollars.
Five hundred bucks for a nights work, twenty-three years old.
Then Im walking to my Bleecker Street Village apartment.
I thought, I have the greatest life in the world.
I dont even care if I dont become famous or anything.
This is the balls.
I have the world by the fucking balls.
I had that thought that night.
I never even touched my brakes.
I just plowed right into this car.
I flew over the car.
I lost my sight, but I was still cognizant.
The bike was in pieces.
My sight came back and the bike was in pieces in front of me.
I heard a woman scream.
It was a nightmare.
I got strapped to a board and taken to a hospital.
After lots of CAT scans and tests and shit this doctor came to me in a hallway.
He said, Youre fine.
Youre stupid, dont ride motorcycles anymore, but youre fine.
Take it easy for a while.
I hopped off of this table and I thought Im just going to go home.
The threshold to which you better be hospitalized is still pretty high, but I really fucked myself up.
I could barely walk.
For two weeks I was in bed.
I was a fucking wreck and my motorcycle was gone.
I slept that night and I just felt really terrible.
I think I peed myself.
It was just a really bad, humiliating experience.
Then I looked in the mirror the next day and I was balding.
I saw it for the first time that I was losing my hair.
Within that week Catch a Rising Star closed.
Catch and The Improv went down like one-two.
They both closed and things started getting really bad.
That night was a huge, instant turning point.
Everything from that night on in my life went badly for like three, four years.
STEPHEN TOBOLOWSKYACTORI was in graduate school and I was a versatile actor.
I always played the old men.
I mean, gigantic clumps, like I was around radiation or something.
I dont remember if I cried, but I felt like I cried for a month.
I felt like it was the end of all my dreams.
This is the end of me being a star in show business, this is it.
Okay, well move on.
It just happened that I didnt quit, I guess.
DANNY MCBRIDEI substitute taught for a while.
When I moved back to Virginia, I was bartending at night and substituting in the daytime.
I was making an honest living.
The first day I was a substitute teacher, I was in there and I was just feeling weird.
The first group of kids came in.
I just started unraveling with the first kids.
This is a fucking stop on the block for me.
Im on my way back out to LA after I save up some money.
These kids are just looking at me, like, We dont give a shit.
Were not even listening.
These were probably ninth or tenth graders.
I needed to justify it.
Hey, this isnt my full-time thing.
All they cared about was like, Mr. McBride, you smoke weed?
All they cared about was if I smoked weed and what kind of car I drove.
What kind of car are you driving?
Im like, A Hyundai Elantra.
Theyre like, Pssh.
TERRY GROSSRADIO HOSTI taught in the toughest inner-city junior high school in Buffalo, New York.
This would have been 1972.
How am I doing?
It was terrible, it was so stupid.
I probably did my fair share of weeping the first day.
It got worse as things went on, because it just fell apart.
The first day theyre testing you.
Then they realize how weak you are, how bad at this you are.
MARCYou were a teacher with a personality of a substitute.
TERRYI was a child.
I was shorter than they were, and I didnt know how to be the authority figure.
I got fired in six weeks.
People say theres no way of firing teachers.
Well, they fired me.
Gross going to do?
I had no idea what to do.
Thank God I got fired.
The principal observed me and the administration graded me.
And they gave me below average in dignity and self-respect.
What the hell does that mean?
Who is measuring this?
But what gets respect in inner-city schools was not something that I had.
Im the opposite, Im shy and introverted and use self-deprecating humor.
How does that go over when youre teaching?
BILL BURRCOMEDIAN AND ACTORI live in this old building.
Theres no insulation in it whatsoever.
Ive been sitting on my couch late at night and feeling like Im the only person in the world.
Theyre literally across the courtyard.
I dont know if its the acoustics.
I dont know what it is.
Everythings fucking loud as hell in there.
We live above this old guy, the classic old guy you dont want to be.
Living alone, no pets, blinds pulled.
You dont even know what the fuck he does.
Hes always really sarcastic.
If you drop something because theres gravity, you just hear him muffled downstairs, Do it again!
I think its funny.
If he says, Do it again, I do it again.
I dont give a shit.
My girlfriend, maybe because its a guy, she feels bullied by him.
Two months ago she tells me, You really need to go down there and talk to this guy.
What am I going to do?
Im going to go down there and whats going to come of this?
I dont want to do this shit.
Two or three days ago its the end of Christmas.
Im dragging my Christmas tree down.
Its like ten in the fucking morning.
Legally I can start building a house at 7:00 a.m. Im bringing a tree down.
I was looking at him like, What the fuck?
Is this guy out of his mind?
I realized hes being sarcastic.
He heard the tree coming down.
Im like, Whatever.
I go in the house.
My girls like, He was yelling again.
Go down there and talk to him.
Im like, Fine.
You want me to talk to him.
I go down there to talk to the guy.
As I start walking up his walk hes sitting there.
I see this little kind of look of fear on his face.
I didnt go down there to have an argument.
I was just like, Listen, man, youre always yelling up there.
What is the problem?
He goes, It sounds like she dropped a brick!
He just starts screaming at me.
I say, Look, we have hardwood floors.
I came down here to work it out.
He says, What does that mean?
What is that, some sort of hip, new saying?
I swear to God.
I kept my cool.
He just kept yelling at me.
At one point he made a reference to my bad guitar playing.
As sarcastic as hell, he says, Hows your band?
Ha, ha, ha.
Is this what you dreamed of?
Whos your last roommate, fucking Larry Fine?
But I have a line.
I dont yell at old people.
It really hurt my feelings because that was outside the realm of comedy.
I dont have musician walls built up.
He fucking gave me an uppercut right to my feelings.
Im not going to call a guy at $150.
Then another toilet started doing it, like a year later.
I tried to fix it.
It was something different, and Im just like, Oh, boy.
Ive hit the ceiling.
The bar was very low on my ability to fix a toilet.
I cant get this chain.
Oh, come on.
I thought I had this aced.
Whats the guys number?
I loved sports a lot.
MARCAlso, in sports sometimes you lose.
My biggest regret in life is I was not taught some sort of reasonable sense of competition.
For me, losing or being rejected is life threatening.
I think it is important to understand that failure is not part of the bad stuff.
Failure is actually a building block of the good stuff, if you have the courage to keep going.
But it can break you.
A penalty shot is all built around individual failure.
You are the person who has lost it in that single moment, that single kick of the ball.
It absolutely broke me.
There was an internal closure.
I scored another goal in that game and we won, and my dad was watching.
My dad always wanted me to be a footballer more than he wanted me to be anything else.
And as a joke I took my shirt off.
I went as hard into sport as I could, but I wasnt good enough.
I cant even believe Im saying that out loud now, but I wasnt good enough.
I was never going to make my career as a professional footballer.
MARCExactly what year did you realize that?
JOHNProbably about three years ago.
TOM SCHARPLINGI mean the fear of success is not the thing for me.
I think the fear of failure is almost all of it for me.
I feel that looming.
Like Paul Thomas Anderson, that guy is on a different plane than all of us.
I was just like, I can do okay in that mix.
Ive always kind of operated with that in mind.
