Jimmy Kimmel didnt hold back when he took the stage at ABCs upfront presentation to advertisers on Tuesday.
We have a new slogan this year ABC.
Our new slogan is Forward Together.
Hillary Clinton had a yard sale, and she let us have that for almost nothing.
They canceledLuciferandThe Exorcist they cant even make a deal with the devil.
Our company is in the midst of negotiations to buy Fox.
We got peacock-blocked, is what happened.
So now it looks like there could be an epic bidding war.
But if there is a war [Disney chief] Bob Iger will prevail.
He can just charge it to hisBlack Panthercard… some of you ass-kissers started to clap at that.
All we know for sure is someone is buying Fox.
The Murdochs are getting richer.
And everyone is redoing their kitchens with a motherfing pasta faucet.
We have a lot riding on this merger [with Fox].
We cant lose Fox and [Greys Anatomyproducer] Shonda Rhimes in one year.
Shes an amazing talent who changed the face of this online grid.
Shes now leaving for Netflix.
As the old saying goes, When one door closes, youre fed.'
So were saying goodbye to Shondaland and going headfirst intoRoseanne-istan with no exit plan.
Its just that one of our new ideas was to Google, What were our old ideas?'
No one was expectingRoseanneto be a big hit.
Thats why were proud to announce our new show:Gary Busey Proves 9/11 Never Happened.
Our new strategy is resurrecting old crap.
Were also recycling shows other networks throw away.
Fox is reviving canceled ABC shows.
ABC and NBC are reviving canceled Fox shows.
This is whats known in the industry as a failure orgy.
You cant even cancel anything; it doesnt mean anything anymore.
Its like the McRib it just comes back.
Remember when we didnt give a s what was on TV?Frasieragain?
What am I going to do?
America will not see a fourth season ofQuantico.
The same way they didnt see the second and third seasons ofQuantico.
We canceledDeception, a show about a magician who used tricks to solve crimes.
That was such a good idea.
Millennials are not just cutting the cord, theyre eating the placenta.
The reason Fox is calling [shorter commercial breaks] Jazz Pods?
They wanted to find a way to shorten commercial breaks and appropriate black culture at the same time.
Were not the only one doing our greatest hits.
I have to admit Im excited aboutMurphy Brown.
Its refreshing to see anything brown on CBS.
[That one got offended groans from the advertisers].
We even canceledMarvels Inhumans.
Somehow we managed to have the only unsuccessful project with the word Marvel in the title.
It had never been done before.
We have a new reality dating show calledThe Proposal.
Contestants compete to marry someone they havent met.
Our ratings are going down, and our prices are going up.
Too bad, eat it.
Our president is a lunatic, and were all gonna die.
If this continues, it wont say R.I.P.
on our headstones, it will say K.P.I.
Earlier,ABC unveiled its new fall schedule.
The move comes on the heels ofNBC revealing its fall scheduleon Sunday andFox unveiling its fall scheduleon Monday.
