Its been a long, sweaty journey, rose lovers, but wevealmostmade it to the end ofParadise.
), we must turn our attention to the onslaught of end-of-season breakups and breakdowns.
Yep, its time for some fake engagement photos!
Credit: ABC
Im nervous about how I feel about Jordan, she confesses.
Im nervous about being nervous.
Im scared, she tells Jordan.
ABC
I just want to know that youre here, all the way.
Why is Robby Hayes here?
asks a clearly skeeved-out Cassandra.
ABC
Every single girl here knows his reputation.
Its not a good one.
Shushanna, on the other hand, is ready to double-tap that.
ABC
Jordan might peel your skin off and cook it, she informs Robby with a throaty chuckle.
Hearing this,Robbymoves on to his next best (a.k.a.
only) other option:Shushanna.
ABC
And thats when things get [cue the haunted house sounds] spoooooooky.
And then, during Robby and Shushannas outdoor dinner, fruit starts falling from the trees.
Oh, the horror!
ABC
(Next: Did Kendall seriously just break up with Grocery Joe?)
Speaking of filler, its time for an update onCassandraandKiwi Jordan.
KendallandGrocery Joeare cuddling on a daybed and talking about the future.
ABC
I like you, says Joe.
I like your soul.
When Joe asks her whats wrong, her response is awkward and clipped.
ABC
I dont know, she says.
I just want to sleep on it.
I just feel weird, thats all.
ABC
Gurl, sleep onwhat?
The fact that you landed the most loveable and relatable guy this stupid franchise has ever produced?
Look, Im going to be honest with you.
ABC
Our favorite produce-slinging hunk has spent the day worrying about Kendalls sudden emotional distance.
I went to bed last night having no clue where we stood.
Seriously, Kendall, what is UP?
ABC
Finally, she and Joe sit down and talk it out.
Instead, its Kendall whose feelings are not completely there.
Part of me, like, obviously loves you, she tells Joe.
ABC
But I dont know if itsinlove.
You dont know how I feel?
Ive been falling in love with you since day two.
ABC
The truth is, you dont know how you feel about me, says Joe.
you should probably stop saying we, yo.
Excuse me while I scream into a pillow.
ABC
Were just not in the same place.
Thats what Ive been scared about this entire time, Joe continues.
Knowing this, Joe has no interest in Paradise.
ABC
Im not staying, he tells Kendall.
Cue the sad piano music, because Grocery Joe is leaving the building.
(Or, you know, the collection of huts.)
Kendall, meanwhile, is left sobbing on the daybed.
All of a sudden?
WOMAN, IT WAS OBVIOUS HE LOVED YOU!
Uh, is it too late to make Grocery Joe the Bachelor?
Having made the biggest mistake of her young life, Kendall climbs into the Rejector SUV and weeps.
I just want to see him again, she sobs.
Im just gonna miss him so much.
There, there, you fool youll see him tomorrow night at the reunion episode.
Sorry, Diggy thanks for playing!
Such good trolling this week, TeamParadise.
(Next: Not Astrid and Kevin, too!)
The next morning, Chris Miami Vice Harrison orders everyone to the rose palapa to pop theirParadisebubble.
There is no middle ground, rose lovers!
With Kendall and Grocery Joe gone, does any of this really matter?
Kiwi JordanandCassandradecide to consciously uncouple, as doRobbyandShushanna.
After some hemming and hawing,Kamilagrees to go to the Fantasy Suite withAnnaliese.
Theres no hesitation forChrisandKrystalorJennaandJordan.
Its gotta be the same withKevinandAstrid, right?
Uh-oh…
Hey buddy, whassamatter?
It seems that the former (Canadian) Bachelor is having a little Fantasy Suite-related PTSD.
I just dont know what to do.
I dont know if this is forever, he says.
But why dont I know?
Dude, because its beentwo weeks thats why!
Naturally, Astrid is stunned.
Are you breaking up with me?
Yes, yes he is.
What the actual f, man?
says Astrid, blindsided and angry.
Poor Kevin feels like a piece of s, but he knows his heart isnt fully in it.
Welp, there you have it.
Astrid wipes away her tears and heads off to pack her bags.
Dont leave me like this!
sobs Kevin, but he really hasnt left her any other choice.
Personally, I reject this breakup.
I simply do not accept it.
Like Joe and Kendall, I believe these two crazy kids will patch things up.
The remaining three couples get gussied up and head to their respective Fantasy Suites.
Chris and Krystal have a serious talk about commitment issues stemming from their troubled family lives growing up.
Annaliese and Kamil, meanwhile, eat a thick slab of kielbasa.
Honestly, the producers arekilling itwith their contestant mockery tonight!
Over in the third Fantasy Suite, Jordan has just confessed his love for Jenna.
Who knew the Male Model in the golden undies would become one of Paradises best boyfriends?
Ive been praying for someone like you, says Jenna.
I feel like God sent you to me…
I love you, too.
Yes, I could not be rooting for these two goofballs more.
Oh no, Krystal just broke out her blindfold-and-feather kit.
Fade to black, TeamParadise hey!
Thank the Lord, were done with night one and man, it was rough.
How are you holding up after Kendall and Joes split, rose lovers?
Do you think theres any chance for them or Astrid and Kevin?
And will any of these damn couples stay together?
Post your thoughts below, and then meet me back here tomorrow night.
TheBachelor in Paradiseseason finale airs Tuesday at 8 p.m. on ABC.
