Its a wonder were all still drawing breath.
So pour yourself a congratulatory glass of rose and lets recap week five, shall we?
Monday night in ParadiseAn unexpected breakup sends everyone into a collective emotional tailspin.
Credit: ABC
As Chelsea says, Paradise has been shooketh!
Meanwhile, Angela is bawling her eyes out back at the beach.
Ugh, go home, Erics reasoning youre drunk.
ABC
I dont think my hearts in it right now with Tia, he tells Kevin.
I want her to be so happy… but Im not happy with it.
My whole life, thats all I want to do is hey people, says Colton tearfully.
ABC
And the only person I hurt is myself, by staying in things.
Its not too late to choose yourself over producers really!
But first, you gotta break Tias heart… again.
ABC
You deserve somebody whos gonna be crazy about you every single day, he says sadly.
I just know what you deserve, and I cant give it to you.
All things considered, she handles it pretty well.
ABC
(Im paraphrasing that last part.)
Yep, nothing to see here, folks everythings fine!
Jordan sweetly comes to comfort her: Im stickin by my hot baby named Jenna, okay?
ABC
Im legitimately rooting for these two and yes, I know thats insane.
Can they do that?
Yep, once the Bachelor Interns give them back their passports.
ABC
Im sitting here in Mexico, I watched the most epic sunset with you tonight, he says.
And she LOVES it.
Now Im legitimately rooting for these two, as well and yes, I know thats insane.
ABC
F this, mutters Olivia, speaking for them all.
Whose lives do Shusanna and Christen decide to toy with?
Annaliese and Kamil and ShushannaPoor, poor Annaliese.
ABC
What guy doesnt love to hear that?
Oh Lord, will someone get Annaliese some tissues?
You cant live in fear, Chelsea tells her.
ABC
Um, have you MET Annaliese?
She absolutely can and does live in fear, every minute of every day.
For once, something went right for Annaliese.
ABC
I think Jenna puts it best: This can really work if you pursue it.
Of course it was, buddy thats why the producers did it!
And thats when something truly exciting happens:
Did you hear that, rose lovers?
ABC
Kevin and Astrid just dropped mutual L-bombs!
So what if its only been, like, 11 days Paradise can work!
Will Kamil choose Shushanna or the blonde girl?
ABC
Will John choose Olivia or Christen?
Will Eric choose Cassandra or Angela?
More importantly, will someone explain why so many women in Paradise have the same earrings?
ABC
Must have been a sale in the hotel gift shop.
(Its always the womans fault, isnt it?)
Shushanna takes it way too hard, moaning, Why cant I ever be loved?
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This is Jordan from New Zealand.
He was onBachelor Winter Games, but at that timehe had hair.
Jordan has one hour to decide which lonely lady he wants to give a rose to.
ABC
Hes not here to f spiders, yall.
Incredible shot, TeamParadise.
But Chelseas misery goes largely unnoticed by the group because Christen suddenly feels lightheaded and needs a medic.
ABC
And with that, rose lovers, Mondays episode is FINALLY over.
Three hours down, two more to go!
And by date I mean…
Thats right!
ABC
The babysitting goes about as well as youd expect.
Poor Emmy isnothaving it though she calms down a bit when Joe passes her to Kendall.
(Bella, meanwhile, seems incredibly chill.
ABC
Congrats, Carly and Evan.)
So much for a change of scenery.
(Next: Single white Shushanna)
Jenna and JordanThese two have baby fever!
If only they could agree on names.
Eric and CassandraSomeones having second thoughts!
No, not Cassandra though she absolutely should be.
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Miraculously, Eric realizes that Cassandra is right.
Angela leaving really hit me hard, he admits.
The best decision is just to leave Paradise and move on.
ABC
Welp, either way, we all know thats not gonna happen… this year at least.
But Chris sure is excited, because he cant wait to tell Krystal that he loves her.
Congrats to the least likable couple in Paradise.
ABC
Hit it, musician whose name is apparently Ben Rector!
I always catch Shu staring at me, says Kamil.
Its like an owl… Its creepy.
Ha ha ha, shes kidding, everybody!
She also absolutely believes that Kamil is still interested in her, despite his claims to the contrary.
Given Shus obsession with Kamil, things arent looking very good for New Zealand Jordan.
Shus walking that fine line between persistent and cray-cray, notes Kevin wisely.
Hey Kamil, why dont you tell Shu again how youre feeling?
I just cant see it working between us, he explains.
But Shu thinks she can wear Kamil down after all, Evan wore Carly down!
Ashley wore Jared down!
It can be done, people.
Everything is possible, she says.
Dafuq it is!thinks Annaliese, who marches over to tell her rival to back off.
Do I look like a fing witch?
There there, babushka.
Its not quite last call yet Diggy from Rachels season is here!
Youre still obsessed with Kamil and dont want to go on a date with Diggy?
Sure, thats totally fine and not crazyat all.
Olivia tells Shu that she and Kiwi Jordan looked right together and suddenly, Shushanna is all about it.
I think it will be perfect!
Sure, thats also totally fine and not crazyat all.
(Next: Venmo John eats carbs?)
The seeds oozing out of their mouths are a nice touch, Team Paradise.
You should be proud.
That was a terrible fing idea!
screams Olivia, as she runs to the bar to get water.
The next day, a different part of Olivia catches fire… when Diggy arrives on the beach.
I did hope to see you in Paradise, she giggles.
As for Venmo John, he doesnt seem too worried.
HOW is a guy with those abs eating carbs?
But not before burning a framed photo of Kamil that someone in production conveniently had on hand.
Eventually, Kiwi Jordan tells Shu that he wants to spend more time with Cassandra and see what happens.
Bachelor in Paradiseairs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
