Hello again, rose lovers!
Lets begin, shall we!
Part 1: Monday Night in Paradise
The ladies have the roses this week.
Credit: ABC
Jordan barks, spying his girl mid-makeout.
(You read that right he forgot the first.)
So, is itau revoirto Benoit?
ABC
Benoits tongue is in her mouth again?
Is she impressed, or just uncomfortable from her giant swimsuit wedgie?
Unfortunately, Jordans sales pitch is a little lacking.
ABC
Youre not meant for anybody else, he says, sounding not at all like a total stalker.
Miraculously, though, it works!
Jenna decides to go with her heart (Jordan) instead of her head (Benoit).
ABC
Hurt and angry, Benoit hurls a football into the surf again and again.
Whatever, pal Im sure theres a nice woman waiting for you in Canada.
Theres really nothing that can stop us, says Chris.
ABC
Oh man, whyd you have to go and say something like that?
Krystals feeling it, big time.
You were the person I came into Paradise wanting to meet, she tells Connor.
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Heres where things get extra painful.
Krystal then saunters back to Chris and assures him that she told Connor that shewontgo out with him.
The Goose is not amused.
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If Im up, he mumbles glumly.
As for Krystal and Connors date?
The date card said something about a mystical evening, so… yeah.
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You know what this is, rose lovers.
Every time that girl gets her hopes up, her dreams are crushed and shattered, says Astrid.
Also crushed and shattered?
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The productions supply of tissues.
I dont know if this is the right process for me, she laments.
I feel like Ive been friend-zoned with every guy here.
ABC
Am I the only one who forgot Chelsea is a single mother?
Gurl, go home and hug your son.
And we only get to see it in a sepia-toned flashback?
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And then Jubilee went home and didnt even say goodbye?
DoesBachelor in Paradisetake place in a black hole where time has no meaning???
In the real world, babe, he explains, were both going to be pushed that way.
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Astrid is completely nonplussed by this suggestion.
Hes also missing his therapist, whom he sees twice a week back home.
Who doesnt love a guy whos comfortable talking about his feelings?
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I cant really explain it.
I feel like I crave him.Ewwwwww.
Damn straight and Kevin is just the guy to do it.
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Cue Kendalls record-scratch moment!
Gurl, WHAT HAVE WE ALL BEEN TELLING YOU?
Not gonna fly, Tarzan.
ABC
Nor is calling your hot-tub make-out session a peck, or, even worse, a handshake.
Kendall presses Leo to explain why he wasnt honest, but he cant.
I have a feeling of not believing you, she says.
I repeat: Gurl, WHAT HAVE WE ALL BEEN TELLING YOU???
He proceeds to make a scene in the pool, shouting about people tattling on him.
It goes about as well as youd expect.
Leo, remember that, and go f yourself.
Can I get a round of applause for Kevin?
You ruined my day by making me feel like I did something horrible by kissing Chelsea!
What matters is whatwefelt!
I really dont appreciate you being condescending right now.
He interrupts Leos ranting and pulls a visibly upset Kendall away for a calm-down talk.
And this:
Im not crying!
Oh wait, Im totally crying.
Hooray for the end of Kendalls temporary insanity!
How can you know whats best for me?
That doesnt make sense at all.
Dude, just accept it your free Mexican vacation is over.
Stop being an a-hole and making Jenna cry.
Side note: Love her nail color.
Benoit and ChelseaLast call!
You dont have to go home, but you cant stay here!
Or something like that.
Chelseas not into David, Benoit wants a rose, so:
Whatever.
Angela and EricTuesdays episode begins with Eric and Angela going on their first date outside of Paradise.
He treats me like a princess, gushes Angela.
The butlers at the door again!
This time hes got a gigantic cheese spread.
I dunno, guys alcohol plus ice cream plus cheese?
That sounds more like a gastro-intestinal nightmare than a precursor to a romantic night.
she asks, incredulously.
You want me to work?
In other words:Aw hells no.
Kevin and AstridNo date card?
Awww, thats sweet.
Joe and Kendall and… John?What thewhat?
Now that he sent Jubilee packing, Venmo John is trying to make a move on Kendall?
Not cool, Venmo John.
I find you really attractive, he tells her.
And just as I was yelling Dont kiss him!
at my screen, Kendall and John go in for the smooch.
(How much is one adorable grocer from Chicago supposed to take?)
The real reason I keep trying to distract myself, says Kendall, is because Im falling for you.
How much is one adorable grocer from Chicago supposed to take?
OMG YOU GUYS I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!!!!
Ill paraphrase: Kendalls full of s and Grocery Store Joe is a bitch.
Well, you know that Joe isnt gonna stand for that.
Lets be honest… does anyone really care who she picks?
I didnt think so.
Lets skip ahead to the rose ceremony.
Weirdly enough, their date takes place at a quinceanera for a young lady named Karely.
John and Olivia dance up a storm and make out alittletoo close to the festivities if you ask me.
Naturally, Cassandra asks him on a date, and naturally he says yes.
If only he broke the news to Angela with a little more tact.
Yesterday I told you I wouldnt go on a date, he says.
So today, when I woke up, I felt different about a lot of things.
Eric goes on to assure Angela that his date with Cassandra doesnt mean anything.
Angela does NOT love it.
Im just upset because I feel like he lied just to my face last night, she cries.
And with that, rose lovers, week 4 ofParadisehas come to a close.
Do any of these guys strike you as Bachelor material (if Wills says no, of course)?
And good Lord, can anyone erase the Colton likes to go commando scene from my brain?
Post your thoughts below!
Bachelor in Paradiseairs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
