Becca and Garrett have chosen to do the damn thing together.
NowBachelor in Paradise, on the other hand, is way different.
It doesnt take itself too seriously.
Credit: Paul Hebert/ABC
Everyone knows exactly why they are there and they embrace the meat market.
See what I mean?
Its just easier if you welcome the crazy into your home four hours per week.
ABC/Paul Hebert
What I did find particularly disturbing is our host Chris Harrison raking the sand.
Excuse me, ABC, but dont you have some sort of intern to do that for Mr. Harrison?
Shouldnt he be sipping a Corona while Wells fans him with a palm frond?
Lets meet some of the cast.
Chris (Beccas season) is embarrassed everyone saw hisCrazy Eddie impressionand he wants a do over.
He also has a Paradise gang name.
it’s possible for you to call him The Goose.
David and Jordan (Beccas season) are doing fine.
One lives with his mother and the other just wants to drink white wine and watch chick flicks.
Ill let you determine which is which.
Ladies and gentlemen, Paradise is officially open.
Use the appropriate amount of antibacterial hand sanitizer and proceed with caution.
She spends the entire day waiting for him to come traipsing down the cobblestone steps into her loving arms.
With every baritone greeting that calls over the ocean, she is left with disappointment.
Kendall, Jordan, and Bibiana arrive next.
Kendall is joyful as expected.
Jordan is happy this place is as beautiful as me.
And Bibs is waiting for her hoo-ha to whisper which lucky stud is the best one for her.
I love this show so much.
A few more of Beccas discards arrive.
Kudos to him for making a bizarre graveyard picnic conversation with Kendall not so weird.
Wills meets resident bartender therapist Wells and Chris bellies up to the bar without saying much of anything.
Again, his goal is to be the better man this go around.
Krystal immediately zeros in on Grocery Store Joe to the chagrin of Kendall.
She and the guy who carried a watermelon bond over the fact that they are both part Norwegian.
Venmo wastes no time and whisks Kendall away so they can nerd out together.
Nysha (Aries season) manages to show up on the beach without blowing over.
Kenny (Rachels season) is the resident old dude who just wants to have fun.
Nicks former flames Astrid and someone named Angela (who is this girl?)
round out this wave of contestants.
She really wants Colton to come to Paradise.
Im not sure if I made myself clear earlier.
Jordan hits on Annaleise and admits that Chicken David (Beccas season) is the worst.
Naturally David comes bounding down the stairs next.
David is also the bearer of bad news: Hes the last one to arrive in Paradise.
Its a revolving door.
You try islanders on and see if they fit.
If they dont, you hand them off to your friend in the dressing room next door.
If they still dont fit, they are sent to the bargain bin.
This is immediately confirmed by Venmo.
Let the games begin.
Grocery Store Joe grabs Tia for a quick visit.
He sits there like an adorably bored bump on a log while she drones on and on about Colton.
She confesses that he is on her mind all the time.
The date card arrives and guess whose name is on the top?
Why its Tia of course!
Her life is the worst.
She must stop thinking about hunky Colton and starting thinking about what she wants.
And what she wants is Chris.
Someone is pleasantly surprised!
Not enough to button his Hawaiian shirt all the way, but surprised enough.
Oh, and the nodes are back.
Krystal works her magic and is straight up appalled when Joe asks for another private audience with Kendall.
Whats the opposite of a glitter bomb?
(Next: We have a love triangle)
Kendal LOVES this and everything else about Joe.
She proves it by making out with him.
Joe concludes that Kendall is the best thing about Paradise.
Kevin escorts her to another beach bed and shoves a thousand chips in his mouth.
Between swallows, he tells Krystal that she is the hottest girl there.
Then he makes out with her over his beloved bowl of salsa.
Inside the hut on yet another bed, Nick tries to make a move on Chelsea.
Something tells me he and his abs are going home first.
Lets talk about Tias date with Chris.
Chris is pumped at this news and toasts every other sentence.
Tia giggles to the producers, Colton who?
Then the clouds gather and thunder crashes.
Its bright and shiny and very humid.
The producers wisely gather everyone on the beach bed so the moment is extra uncomfortable.
Kendall remains calm and generously tells Colton that Tia went out on a date the day before.
She also tells him he needs to figure out whats going on with their relationship.
All claim this is a huge red flag and all eyes roll when he talks to Angela next.
They vow to make Angelas giggle a drinking game.
They want to know Coltons intensions.
All believe hes here for fame and InstaFortune.
Things really get tense when Colton asks Tia on the date.
Tia flat out asks Colton if they should give this a shot, because shes interested.
Colton flat out answers with a vague I dont know and then sticks his tongue down her throat.
Tia shoves her heart through the slightly open door.
She goes all in on the jet ski and makes out with him the remainder of the date.
Anything is possible in Paradise, right?
Of course, the girls are all concerned for Tias heart.
They believe that Colton needs to commit to Tia or go home.
If he commits, both Tia and Colton are off limits.
If he doesnt commit and he stays, hes a jack wagon.
The Goose Gang has a different tactic.
They are ready to peck their way into victory.
They claim they will shut Colton down since hes clearly not interested in Tia for the right reasons.
Chris is ready to fight for his woman.
Wherever you go, whatever you do, the Goose will be right here waiting for you.
