Let’s get this out of the way first: yes,this contains spoilers.
Let’s figure this thing out together, shall we?
Everyone got a stab.
The widow was actually Daisy’s grandmother.
The countess was her aunt.
The doctor worked with her father.
The car salesman was the family chauffeur.
Poirot is usually so rigid in everything he does!
In truth, this movie is less about murder and more about famous people chewing (beautiful) scenery.
(As an unrelated side note, the desserts they serve on said train look delicious.)
This movie is fun, but not as fun as I wanted it to be.
Does Hercule Poirot have any friends?
It’s just distracting.
It’s a whole thing.
It’s like if you have a friend that just begins wearing a hat all the time.
That mustache is the equivalent of showing up to brunch wearing a hat.
Why would a guilty person ever hire Hercule Poirot?
Why does Johnny Depp speak like a European who learned how to do an American accent from watchingThe Sopranos?
Johnny Depp was born in Kentucky, in the United States of America.
All in all, this performance would have been perfect for an animatronic gangster at aGoodfellas-themed pizzeria.
Why didn’t they do a quick once-over after the murder?
How would those things even fall off one’s person?
Also, why didJudi Dencheven have her handkerchief with her?
She was in her pajamas.
Do fancy people really carry their handkerchiefs with them in their pajamas?
The same goes for Leslie Odom, Jr. and his pipe cleaner.
Do you really need that in the middle of the night?
Why do that sneaky thing with the red kimono?
But what in God’s name would be the purpose of then hiding that article of clothing in Poirot’sownsuitcase?
Hubris should have its limits.
You know, where you could throw things.
Again, the train is stopped above a cavern no one is able to get down.
Carefully stabbing Michelle Pfeiffer seems like unnecessary theatrics.
Why would Josh Gad run away?
There is nowhere for him to runwhat wasJosh Gad’s plan here?
Because that’s a bad plan.
Why didn’t Poirot interrogate the conductor as a suspect?
Is Ratchett’s body just… decomposing somewhere onboard the train during all of this?
I get that there aren’t a lot of options here, but… gross.
“Ugh, should we postpone the murder?
I feel like we should probably postpone the murder!
But I mean, we’re all already here… Ugh, I don’t know!
What do you want to do?”
Eventually, they don’t postpone the murder, but they’re all passive-aggressive about it the whole time.
If they knew Ratchett was Cassetti, why not just tell the police?
This is a major break from the book that just makes no logical sense.
So the 12 murderers act as an extrajudicial jury.
But in this version of the film, Cassetti escapes the legal system altogether.
Why would you cast Olivia Colman and only give her like one and a half scenes?
And for her major scene, she’s speaking German the whole time.
It just seems like a tremendous oversight.
How did 12 of them fit in a single train compartment, let alone have room to move?
How did all of these people coordinate their bodies to fit?
Did they have a line that snaked out into the hallway perhaps?
Also, was there an order they established ahead of time?
Why did Michelle Pfeiffer feel the need to coordinate so many people?
Honestly, you’d think a squad of three or four murderers would suffice.
What was the decision process like to up the group to a dozen?
That feels like way too many murderers.
Sure, involve your godmother, and your daughter and son-in-law.
Yes, the governess and nanny seem fine if they’re really passionate about getting involved.
Side note: imagine how much easier this all would have been if they had a single group text.
Or like, an email chain that the Italian count kept accidentally replying-all to.
Why does Poirot need a lost love?
Let me guess: hers was the one murder he could never solve?
Where can I find an Italian count-slash-ballet-dancer-slash-martial artist who wants to marry an American Jew?
I am not asking for a friend.
This is for me.
