Or that theres no way Jesus could have been both tall and handsome.
Sedaris is no different off the page.
Hes wearing pants from a murder trial, after all.
Credit: Ingrid Christie
Ahead, some life advice from Americas favorite essayist that youd be foolish not to heed.
Classic literature is overrated
Ive never read any Dickens.
If people say, Im readingA Tale of Two Cities, Ill nod thoughtfully.
Not even thoughtfully, but like Im reflecting on the first time I read it.
And if I were locked in a bathroom, maybe Id read it.
Or if I was in prison.
Im saving it for one of those two occasions.
So are some older works
Id also have to be in prison to read the Bible.
Actually, Id have to be on death row for me to read the Bible.
Fashion is all about comfort
Ive been considering just wearing a caftan on my tour.
The problem with a caftan is the mens room.
If you just had underpants on youd have to pull all that stuff up.
But if you stay in a good hotel, you come out of it with your box.
And I said, Well, Ill take the aisle because I asked for it.
When people tell me that theyre afraid of flying, I always suspect that theyre egotistical.
I always say to them, Oh, youre so important that the plane is gonna go down?
If the plane went down because an important person was on them, all my planes would go down.
It was a huge, lifelike purple penis that somebody had bitten the top off of.
He was just too old for them.
And God says, Its not a halo, its a steering wheel.
And my boyfriend said, Dont you dare read that in England.
And in England they howled with laughter.
