If you don’t know whoJohn Mulaneyis yet, it’s time for you to catch the heck up.
So here are some of his best lines.
venture to read them in his voice.
Credit: Netflix
Ever been to the goddamn zoo?
Those things are never where they’re supposed to be!
Every time I go to the zoo I’m like, ‘Hey, where’s the jaguar?’
and the zoo guy is like, ‘Uhh, he must be in the inside part.’
Tell him we’re here."
The hottest ticket in town.
The Bruno Mars of assemblies."
And you are told this, by an adult you don’t know."
“He did not look like his job description.
He was the weirdest goddamn person I ever saw in my entire life.
He was a man most acquainted with misery.
He could look at a child and guess the price of their coffin.
What kind of a cokehead relative is my college?”
I was like, ‘Hey, it’s been a while since you housed and taught me!'"
On college:
“I lived like a goddamn Ninja Turtle.
I didn’t drink water the entire time.”
On aging:
“I’m gross.
I have hair on my shoulders now.
I don’t even have a joke for that, that’s how much I hate that shit.”
I think eventually everything’s going to be okay, but I have no idea what happens next.
On facts:
“Get out of here with your facts.
Get out of here with your technicalities.
Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting.”
