I love a good movie musical.

I thinkMoulin Rouge!is the only movie that makes me cry literally every time I see it.

I have theInto the Woodssoundtrack on my phone.

The soundtrackfrom the movie.

Barnum into a sympathetic figure, by the time I sunk into my seat, I was begrudgingly excited.

But, within five minutes, my optimism soured into distaste and general confusion.

Needless to say, I had questions.

Do the people who made this movie know who P.T.

Do you know how the real P.T.

Barnum started his career as a showman?

He purchased an elderly slave woman named Joice Heth, who was blind and nearly completely paralyzed.

He enlisted Charles Stratton, or “General Tom Thumb” when he was 4.

Barnum was a temperance speaker.

He spent the 1850s touring the country to make money speaking about the evils of alcohol.

The real Barnum was certainly a figure interesting and complex enough to merit a movie.

That’s it: he cares so much about being popular that he forgets about his real friends.

That’s not complexity.

That’s the climax of an episode ofHannah Montana.

What the hell was that straw-man critic doing there?

“Do their smiles look fake?”

Barnum says when the writer makes the perfectly excellent point that Barnum is a total fraud.

If people have fun, what’s the harm?

Barnum is the living embodiment of “for the fans, not the critics.”

And he was a hell of a lot more impressive than the fake P.T.

Barnum in this movie.

The Herald would go on to have the largest circulation of any newspaper in the world.

As for his clashes with Barnum: remember the slave Barnum paraded around as George Washington’s wet nurse?

That was Bennett’s most notable involvement with P.T.

Barnum, attempting to dispel the obvious hoax.

Why was the “Swedish Nightingale” an alto?

Among the historical figures this movie bulldozes so that make room for a heroic P.T.

Women, am I right?

As it happens, she did complete her tour, but not with Barnum.

Jenny Lind was a soprano.

She was the Swedish Nightingale.

This film calls her the Swedish Nightingale.

So why is her “opera solo” belted?

What was Charity talking about with the whole “we always did it together?”

Okay, but hold up.

Barnum and Charity never didanythingtogether.

Not from the start, not ever.

He surprises his wife withall of that information.There was no brainstorming session or conversation.

Another major financial decision they absolutely did not do together?

The house Barnum buys.

Why couldn’t they mention that Zendaya is a woman of color?

And yet for some inexplicable reason, they never mentioned raceonce.

But it’s quick and subtle enough that a child might not know what the movie is referencing.

How did Barnum receive mail from Charity when he lived on the street?

This is a small and possibly dumb point, but one that bothered me nonetheless.

The opening song shows Barnum and Charity growing up in montage, and writing letters back and forth.

But after his father died, Barnum is living on the street.

How did Charity send him mail?

We see him reading a letter at one point with an indecipherable but clearly visible full address.

Where would that have possibly been?

So… Zac Efronreallyisn’t going to have the middle name “Bailey”?

“Partners,” they say, shaking hands.

Just give us theJoseph Gordon-LevittfromDark Knight Risesthing.

We already sat through this entire movie.

How was there a derelict and abandoned mansion in Victorian-era New York?

How did a hundred years pass for ivy to overgrow over the entire building?

When could this neo-Classical mansion possibly have been built?

In what time bubble did it age?

This guy still has to make everything about him, huh?

Not everything needs to be about you!

So you show up riding an elephant.

Your ego will tear your family apart.

Where… where was the Civil War?

For a bit of context, Barnum’s museum burned down in 1865.

Do you know what else happened in 1865?

President Lincoln was assassinated.

I so hope that the front page of the paper that day was P.T.

Barnum kissing Jenny Lind and the news “President shot” came after the fold.

Uno, do', tres, cuatro."

I cannot be the only one.

All in all,The Greatest Showmanis P.T.

Honestly, hats off to you, Barnum.